Divorce is not Common

Is divorce really common, or have we become desensitized to it making it happen more often? When something reaches the level of “common” it is almost becomes expected, as if it is something out of our control. “It just happened”. Seeing divorce as common is very threatening to marriages because it discourages us from taking ownership of marital issues. When no one is willing to take ownership of a problem, we also give up ownership of the solution.

When we see divorce as common, the breakdown of marriages becomes routine. Phrases like “starter marriage” and “starter wife” become mainstream and are no longer offensive. The no-fault law was wonderful (and I mean wonderful) for women who needed to get out of abusive marriages for their own personal safety and the safety of the children, however, the long-term unintended impact of this law was certainly not in the design. Before instating this law, divorce carried a stigma. The benefit of the stigma of divorce wasn’t for shame, but rather to provide social guidelines for our benefit. A large number of marriages would be able to find happiness and fulfillment if given more time to work together and find a solution. However, when their societal boundaries promote the individual’s right to happiness at the expense of the couple, the marital union is threatened.

Divorce is not on the rise and the “50% of marriages end in divorce” is a bloated statistic. What IS common is why marriages succeed and why marriages fail. It’s far less a mystery or a secret held by the few people who married their soul mate, which still is no guarantee.

Purpose of a Wedding

What is the purpose of a wedding anyway? The Clinton’s spent over 2 million on Chelsea's wedding and I ask again what it is about. Is the wedding about the marriage? The bride? The parents? The guests?
If you want to know the purpose of the next wedding you attend look for these telltale signs.

The Marriage
Both groom and bride are represented in the layout, dinner, and events. They are having more fun than everyone else in the room. They know almost everyone in the room because it’s their day to celebrate with the ones they love. The music reflects their style and if someone isn’t having a good time, it’s not the bride and groom’s fault. These are the ones that have even more fun at their 25th wedding renewal.

The Bride
It's all about her, period. The groom barely shows up. He has no idea about the settings, events, schedule, timing, maybe only the cost. He is probably hovering over his best man or his best friend since the bride vetoed him as the best man. Any sign of defeat he has will be lost in the “glow” of the bride showing off her wedding band cause the price tag is still attached. The telltale sign is when he has no idea what the words are to their wedding song. Why? The first time he ever heard it was at the rehearsal dinner.

The Parents
The guest list is the big giveaway here. When the bride and groom are meeting more people than they know in the greeting line, it’s about the parents. If you look closely you will see the strings attached to the tops of the bride and groom’s shoulders and arms as they move around to ensure putting on a great show for the parent's guests.

The Guests
“My wedding is better than you wedding is” the theme here. The bride and groom look exhausted and just glad to get on with their lives. Of course they are spending more time making sure everyone else is happy. This is well past hospitality and it costs more than their honeymoon. Unfortunately, guests are usually taking odds on when the divorce happens and who will file first.

Wedding Season isn’t over yet; enjoy seeing who your next wedding is really for.

Relationship Customer Service

On TUG Talk last week with my guest Robin Frederick, founder of the Girl Power Business Network, we talked about what happened to customer service. Two days later I went to hardware store bought two things. In the process I had five different people either offer to help or physically assist me. That's customer service.

On the show, I suggested one of the reasons exceptional customer service went away was people stopped saying thank you. Simple positive reinvorcement. Customers stopped telling employees how much we liked it and many companies started thinking price was the selling point. Good customer service was the norm and became taken for granted. Now that it is no longer the norm, it is missed more than ever. So much so that when we do get good customer service we are more surprised than pleased. It even became more common to take time for a complaint than a compliment.

This happens in relationships. People stop saying thank you for the things we value. Loving gestures celebrated in the beginning of relationships are given so consistently they become the norm. When that happens those same loving gestures become expectations. Providing financially, preparing dinner, house management, taking care of the kids; these are several I hear about frequently. It is only when they are missing they are truly noticed.

When a person is thanked for doing the basic and mundane parts of relationship, it makes it easier for them to enjoy doing them. The most amazing part about this concept is most people know it. Yet it doesn’t get done. A person doesn’t have to say thank you every single time. In fact consistent and occasional is the best method to lead to the loving gesture being repeated.

Saying thank you for the basics and the little things is one of the most natural ways to ensure they continue. It becomes a way of living that promotes the desirable behaviors around us. Before I left the hardware store I waited an additional 10 minutes until a manager was available to let them know what a great job the employees did. She was more surprised at the compliment than I was at the service.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons to say “I Don’t” after "I Do"

It’s been over a quarter of a century since the no fault divorce law was implemented. it was originally purposed to make it easier for women in abusive marriages to get away from the perpetrators of violent and harmful situations. In the age of divorce, the reasons people give for divorcing seems endless. Some of those reasons include abuse, adultery, and emotionally stunting environments with people who are unwilling to make changes. However, there are many reasons people are getting divorced that do not point to a serious problem worthy of breaking what was initially a lifelong commitment. The following are 5 of the many that I have heard.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons:

1. I was too young
The implication is when making a lifelong decision, youth and inexperience doesn’t warrant judgment or accountability. The marriages we celebrate the most are the ones that last the longest. If you don’t marry young, it makes it very difficult to reach a 50 year long marriage. Plus, with the average age people are getting re-married reaching the 25 year mark is going to be harder than ever.

2. We weren’t meant for each other
This usually is followed by the sentiment that if a couple was meant for each other it would have worked out. This presents a significant problem in the logic. Apparently being meant for each other automatically makes people enjoy each other and the only way to know is if it works. It adds this mystical component well outside the choice to work on the areas of contention and disappointment instead of seeing that fulfillment is a personal choice built on individual decisions.

3. We grew apart
Welcome to marriage! Every marriage has moments and times where people don’t feel as connected as they used to be or even want to be. One person may be investing a significant portion of energy in work, children, or just individual growth. During that stage, the life goals may shift and the connection is lessened between the couple. Marriage is based upon moving through those times and making the effort to reconnect. The commitment provides the time necessary for a couple to enjoy the joy of reconnection.

4. It just didn’t work
I am always baffled how few questions this one creates. It insinuates the marriage was just supposed to run by itself and naturally fix itself. Or even more insidious, the idea that they tried a few things that didn’t get the desired results so instead of continuing to find a solution they stopped looking for one. Rarely do I hear people asking for details or asking what they tried and did they try everything possible. Being committed to finding a solution means every failure is one step closer.

5. I wasn’t happy
As a huge proponent of marriage, this one completely undermines the purpose of marriage and commitment. Since I have yet to hear a wedding vow that said “make me happy or I will divorce you”, the function of marriage is not to make people happy. Happiness in marriage is a natural result when two people work together to love each other and reach for common goals.

Why women have affairs with married men

Disclaimer!
This is not for the women who interacted with a man believing he was unmarried. This is for the women who either knew upfront he was married or continued the relationship after finding out he was married. Just like the married man himself, no woman is more tempting than his individual choice, every woman can be held accountable to her decision.

In an age of women’s empowerment, ownership of choice, and pursuit of equal rights why do women continue to make themselves available, pursue, and have affairs with married men? Choice usually has two components: intent and benefit. Even when the intent is unconscious and not revealed until later, intent is there. In the area of cheating with a married man the intent can be everything from money, excitement, personal glory, thrill of the challenge, and even feelings of love. Of course there are others more insidious such as intent to harm someone else based on low self-esteem or envy. But when it’s all said and done, women make an individual choice to engage in activities with men who they know are married every single day.

The second part is benefit. Even with all the hurt women have experienced from their husbands, fathers, and friend’s husbands cheating women still continue to be the “other woman”. Logic says with all that hurt caused by the man’s choice women would be working in large numbers to make sure they NEVER said yes to a man with a ring. So there must be a huge upside to doing it. Studies show women find married men more attractive. One article even suggests a possible chemical change in a woman when she overcomes the obstacle of marriage to get her guy. Socially I have heard the benefits include money, power, and generally just getting things she wasn’t getting in her own life.

A third reason comes to mind when explaining human behavior. Because they can. This reason is more perplexing to many of us because it defies logic, rationale, and purposeful decision making. As much as we want to believe we are good natured and above such things many of us still do things simply because we can. The thought of consequences or impact simply isn't a deterrent to doing what feels good at the time.

While I do not claim to know all the factors to why this happens one thing for is for sure. When Beyonce said “you should have put a ring on it” she didn’t mean the one already on his finger.

A Woman's Loyalty

“I would rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” These are lyrics from Midnight Train to Georgia performed by Gladys Night and the Pips back in 1973. As a young man believing in chivalry and being trained to be a consummate gentleman, this song always made me think of the woman willing to follow her heart and her man. Decades later I find myself asking what happened to those types of women. Did they go away? Are they hiding? And my belief is neither.

I think we as men betrayed the gift of respect, honor, and loyalty women once gave us freely. That as a group they were punished for that unwavering belief that used to be connected to the feminine quality of a woman in her undying commitment to her man. They experienced years of being disrespected, devalued, and overall disregarded by men who connected to their roles of masculinity and not of their humanness. Those women were not rewarded for making such a sacrifice and courageous decision. Consequently, those same women of yesterday taught their daughters to look out for themselves, to be independent, and not to depend on a man. However, in that message of independence they also sent the message that a man is not worthy of trust, respect, or honor. That a man is to be approached with fear of what he can do wrong versus the grace love brings.

I hope over the next generation more women find a middle ground. Where independence allows them more freedom to choose a good man that fits their values and needs and not have to choose a man who can provide financially as an act of survival. That more men learn how to cherish a woman for who she is a human and beyond just her gender. Because each time it happens there is one more woman willing to ride that train back to Georgia with her man and reap the great benefits of her choice.

What does it take to break a covenant? Should it be reserved to only the things that destroy it and not the ones that undermine it? The marriage covenant usually includes “Til death do us part” and “for better and for worse”. Yet statistics show as high as 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than death. In fact, many marriages end because one person is unhappy for a long period of time and that’s a far cry from death.

Many claim to end marriages in distress FOR their children instead of finding a way to work through the pain, discomfort, and dissatisfaction when a marriage has become unhealthy. Barring physical abuse and adultery, my first question is what are you modeling for children about marriage? That it’s OK to choose when to break your covenant when you are tired, frustrated, and no longer willing to try. That after you have tried your best or tried everything you know it’s OK to give up. That choosing yourself over the marriage if it “feels right” or if the marriage isn’t what you expected. And that the marital breakdown was “who” you married and not how the two of you handles yourselves in the marriage.

One of the reasons so many desire healthier relationship skills are because so many people are choosing to break their covenants for reparable reasons. Not all, but many. The next time you are faced with the decision to support a covenant (yours or your friends) or break it for personal reasons, ask an adult child of divorce what would have benefitted them more…A divorce or a repaired marriage?