Why women have affairs with married men

Disclaimer!
This is not for the women who interacted with a man believing he was unmarried. This is for the women who either knew upfront he was married or continued the relationship after finding out he was married. Just like the married man himself, no woman is more tempting than his individual choice, every woman can be held accountable to her decision.

In an age of women’s empowerment, ownership of choice, and pursuit of equal rights why do women continue to make themselves available, pursue, and have affairs with married men? Choice usually has two components: intent and benefit. Even when the intent is unconscious and not revealed until later, intent is there. In the area of cheating with a married man the intent can be everything from money, excitement, personal glory, thrill of the challenge, and even feelings of love. Of course there are others more insidious such as intent to harm someone else based on low self-esteem or envy. But when it’s all said and done, women make an individual choice to engage in activities with men who they know are married every single day.

The second part is benefit. Even with all the hurt women have experienced from their husbands, fathers, and friend’s husbands cheating women still continue to be the “other woman”. Logic says with all that hurt caused by the man’s choice women would be working in large numbers to make sure they NEVER said yes to a man with a ring. So there must be a huge upside to doing it. Studies show women find married men more attractive. One article even suggests a possible chemical change in a woman when she overcomes the obstacle of marriage to get her guy. Socially I have heard the benefits include money, power, and generally just getting things she wasn’t getting in her own life.

A third reason comes to mind when explaining human behavior. Because they can. This reason is more perplexing to many of us because it defies logic, rationale, and purposeful decision making. As much as we want to believe we are good natured and above such things many of us still do things simply because we can. The thought of consequences or impact simply isn't a deterrent to doing what feels good at the time.

While I do not claim to know all the factors to why this happens one thing for is for sure. When Beyonce said “you should have put a ring on it” she didn’t mean the one already on his finger.

A Woman's Loyalty

“I would rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” These are lyrics from Midnight Train to Georgia performed by Gladys Night and the Pips back in 1973. As a young man believing in chivalry and being trained to be a consummate gentleman, this song always made me think of the woman willing to follow her heart and her man. Decades later I find myself asking what happened to those types of women. Did they go away? Are they hiding? And my belief is neither.

I think we as men betrayed the gift of respect, honor, and loyalty women once gave us freely. That as a group they were punished for that unwavering belief that used to be connected to the feminine quality of a woman in her undying commitment to her man. They experienced years of being disrespected, devalued, and overall disregarded by men who connected to their roles of masculinity and not of their humanness. Those women were not rewarded for making such a sacrifice and courageous decision. Consequently, those same women of yesterday taught their daughters to look out for themselves, to be independent, and not to depend on a man. However, in that message of independence they also sent the message that a man is not worthy of trust, respect, or honor. That a man is to be approached with fear of what he can do wrong versus the grace love brings.

I hope over the next generation more women find a middle ground. Where independence allows them more freedom to choose a good man that fits their values and needs and not have to choose a man who can provide financially as an act of survival. That more men learn how to cherish a woman for who she is a human and beyond just her gender. Because each time it happens there is one more woman willing to ride that train back to Georgia with her man and reap the great benefits of her choice.

What does it take to break a covenant? Should it be reserved to only the things that destroy it and not the ones that undermine it? The marriage covenant usually includes “Til death do us part” and “for better and for worse”. Yet statistics show as high as 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than death. In fact, many marriages end because one person is unhappy for a long period of time and that’s a far cry from death.

Many claim to end marriages in distress FOR their children instead of finding a way to work through the pain, discomfort, and dissatisfaction when a marriage has become unhealthy. Barring physical abuse and adultery, my first question is what are you modeling for children about marriage? That it’s OK to choose when to break your covenant when you are tired, frustrated, and no longer willing to try. That after you have tried your best or tried everything you know it’s OK to give up. That choosing yourself over the marriage if it “feels right” or if the marriage isn’t what you expected. And that the marital breakdown was “who” you married and not how the two of you handles yourselves in the marriage.

One of the reasons so many desire healthier relationship skills are because so many people are choosing to break their covenants for reparable reasons. Not all, but many. The next time you are faced with the decision to support a covenant (yours or your friends) or break it for personal reasons, ask an adult child of divorce what would have benefitted them more…A divorce or a repaired marriage?