The Female Paradox

You crave what you cannot handle and desire what you don’t believe in. You are taught that you deserve unconditional love even though that can only be given as a gift. Independence is to be achieved; dependence avoided, and yet interdependent is where you will be fulfilled. You are taught not to need a man, yet at the same time often defined by the one you have. Getting married is highly valued, yet being in an average marriage is shunned. Strength to persevere through emotionally hard times has been exchanged for the strength to leave. Motherhood is the top honor and kids come first, and then you wonder why the marital relationship did not survive.

You are told you should all be treated as beautiful, yet the qualifications for being beautiful are always seem to be whatever you are not. Being the best isn’t enough and great is settling. You are told to seek a man who can lead, even but you don’t ever follow. You have raised a generation of princesses without raising any princes or kings to serve them. You were told you are always right, but yet you don’t always have to have the answer.

You were told more opportunities outside the home would lead to more happiness, yet all you have experienced is more work and responsibility. You were told you could do anything while being handed the expectation of doing everything. That your strength is in your feelings and emotions, but you can’t use them at work. And at the end of the day, one of your greatest desires is to be loved for who you are... but you are taught to not trust in a man or his love.

No wonder women are experiencing the highest rate of depression, dissatisfaction, and general unhappiness than ever before.

Values or Life Style?

What has a more positive impact on a relationship long-term, being like-minded or like-lifestyled? To examine this comparison, we must first start with a working definition of both. Lifestyle is based upon how a person lives. This can be as general as country, region, state, city, or small city. Each style has its own cultural norms, which determine what is valuable in those areas. For example, within a suburban lifestyle, dress code is often quite significant. The collared shirt polo was a staple, and at one time the flipped-up collar denoted extra coolness.

The one thing that I find similar in all lifestyles, regardless of location or group, is the discussion of relationships: who got married, who was pregnant, who was unfaithful and with whom. Or, which woman was being ostracized for looking physically attractive and which man was being lambasted for his sense of “entitlement” because he was high on the relative wealth scale.

Like-minded is more about values and perspective. This goes past the” where you want to live” or “how do you live”. Is faithfulness about conviction, obligation, value, or diminished opportunity? Is money handled based upon your personal value of money or is it handled upon how much a person should be making to finance a particular lifestyle? While upbringing may shape our lifestyle expectations, like-mindedness is a universal that goes beyond how we live to who we are.

So which is going to play a bigger role long-term? Circumstances in life often shift outside of our control and in unexpected ways. When two people are like-minded based upon their values, they are more likely to stay on one accord. Like-minded allows for more personal preference and growth than like-lifestlyed. Being like-minded reflects the core values of each individual and it will likely have a greater, more positive impact on a relationship long-term. Determining what your values are and those of your partner instead of what their hobbies are and their favorite coffee is a much better first date conversation.

Responsible Love

How responsible are you with your love? I discovered this question in my own life when I realized how selfish we can be with our love. With the greatest intentions to simply share our lives and love with those we care for most, we can be completely irresponsible. Love has a component of accountability that we often forget about. But more than that, we give our hearts and love to people in ways they are not ready for.

Like giving keys to a powerful automobile to a 12 year old, we entrust people with something they don’t know how to handle. We want to give them everything we have out of pure goodness. Why? It feels great to us! We rarely stop to think about whether that person is ready for it. Are they prepared to handle the responsibility and care that goes along with receiving the gift of our hearts? Instead we get caught up in how good it feels to just love and hope they can handle it.

Waiting for a person to be ready to receive our gifts of love is being responsible. We would never blame the child for wrecking the car we gave them before they were ready. Meanwhile, we routinely give our hearts to people who are unreliable, unprepared, and unwilling to receive such an amazing gift. Then in an effort to eliminate our ownership, we demonize them for breaking it. One of the wisest and toughest things to do is share love in ways that will help rather than hurt. After all, it’s your heart. You are the one who should know if they are ready to handle your heart, not them.

Ladies!!! Raise the Bar and Date a Human.

After watching a couple on a date, I had a revelation in the plight of women to find good men and relationships. I met a nice looking, intelligent woman who was coupled up with a nice looking gentleman. After meeting them over team darts, I had a chance to interact more personally with them and learn a little bit about them. For starters, they were on a first date. His behavior was cocky, arrogant, and at times, flat out obnoxious. I was not judging, but rather noticing that his behavior was well out of the norm regarding actions and language, while hers was void of personal boundaries and respect. Inappropriate comments by him elicited frowns and clear from her. Statements such as “don’t laugh at me, I’m the king and you need to behave,” garnered surprise from all of us.

This followed with slaps on her butt, which she repeatedly responded with disgust. Her responses of “knock it off” and “behave” were met with, “Oh I’m going to get more than that later.” Yet when he leaned in for a kiss (which surprised me, as I could not figure out which signs he received that justified his move), she responded with a full kiss, including arms wrapped around him.

And there it was in plain view. If that behavior is acceptable, he has no reason to improve or do anything different. She instantly guaranteed the best she will get from him is just that. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. Change the supply, and demand will adjust. As long as that type of behavior is successful in getting a positive response, it will continue to happen. This is in no way to eliminate the ownership each man has for himself on how to treat women, only to recognize the massive amount of influence women have in how they are being treated.

Is that guy representative of men, or just him? I know many guys who, on their worst day, wouldn’t treat a woman that way. They are single and looking. I also know many guys who treat women that way and get second dates. Until women demand men to be different, men have little to no reason to change. Starting with that behavior and hoping to change it later, or hoping he will change, rarely works.

An underlying problem is masculinity has often been associated with this type of negative behavior to the point that when a man is polite, respectful, and kind, it is met with disbelief. Polite and respectful behavior is desired, but yet it is not always considered masculine. These women unconsciously connect to the rude as manly and the polite as feminine, and thus are turned off.

So the next time you complain about guys being bad, ask yourself if you are willing to stand up in the beginning for what you desire from a human more than what you expect a “guy” to do.