“The people who lose the most are the ones who know in their hearts, they gave up first.”
-TUG-
History has shown us some of the greatest sports stories are about the big comeback. When it looks like there is no chance of winning and the fans start leaving, something happens. It starts when one person decides it’s not over and success is only a matter of time. Their battle cries are the same. “We can do it.” “I believe.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew if we just kept trying and gave ourselves a chance we could do it.” “We just never gave up.” They believe in the comeback.
Why is it so important in relationships and marriage in particular? Believing in the comeback does several things. For one, it instantly gives value to both people. It doesn’t rely on one person to save the team but the team to save itself. Everyone has a role to play because there are no spectators on the winning team. Two, it gives the team something worth fighting for together. A house divided falls on itself but a common enemy can make allies of those at odds. Sometimes all it takes to get on the right track of rebuilding a great relationship is being on the same side of a fight. Third and most powerful, believing in the comeback opens the world of possibilities and capitalizes on the laws of probabilities. It gives the couple every possible chance at something great. It builds on anything good to make things better. It creates momentum where there was none. Whether it is a lucky bounce or a fluke compliment, it only takes one step in the right direction to build a path and create a journey.
One of the saddest things I have seen is when people give up before the game or relationship is over. They are the first ones blame others and point out that failure is a possibility. They give up when things are good and are even ahead simply because something goes wrong. Their battle cries are the same. “We’ll never make it.” “Why bother trying, it’s pointless.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew this would happen.” “I should have never even tried in the first place.” They want a comeback they don’t even believe in.
Please share your favorite comeback in the comments and inspire others.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Who sets the curve when you grade your mate?
Its school time again! Students and teachers are getting ready for another year of lessons, homework, and of course TESTS! Do you remember that teacher who graded on a curve? There was always one student who set the curve so high you wished to be in another class! As a relationship coach, I see people grade their mates on a curve often. It can provide so much grace and allow for those dreaded “C” moments. I have also seen some curve setters sink a great number of relationships. The Terrible Three are ‘fairy tales’, ‘the best times’, and ‘the what could be/what should be’ twins. These 3 have set the bar so high people don’t just fail, they disappoint too.
‘Fairy Tales’ continue to give above average relationships the appearance of barely passing. Happily ever after becomes something that magically happens. This curve setter does not show what it takes to get to the ever after. The ending where the couple learns that fighting does not mean the marriage is over and overcoming conflict can strengthen a marriage.
‘The best times’ is a sneaky curve setter. Every time something great in the relationship occurs ‘the best times’ makes it the new standard. I have seen people move from wanting the best to requiring the best as the bare minimum. It’s hard enough competing with someone else’s past. Having to continuously out do your best has sent some of the strongest to detention and the dog house.
The ‘what could be/what should be’ twins simply make success impossible. Their parents ‘I want’ and ‘I deserve’ have taught them how to beat everyone. The twins keep us second guessing what works and to never be satisfied with what we have. I have seen these twins take down almost as many couples as gravity does rain. That rare moment when the stars align and perfection happens ‘what could be’ tells us better is possible. Before our sigh of discontentment is out, ‘what should be’ reminds us the new level of perfection is how it should be all the time.
The next time you fail your mate, check to see who set the curve.
‘Fairy Tales’ continue to give above average relationships the appearance of barely passing. Happily ever after becomes something that magically happens. This curve setter does not show what it takes to get to the ever after. The ending where the couple learns that fighting does not mean the marriage is over and overcoming conflict can strengthen a marriage.
‘The best times’ is a sneaky curve setter. Every time something great in the relationship occurs ‘the best times’ makes it the new standard. I have seen people move from wanting the best to requiring the best as the bare minimum. It’s hard enough competing with someone else’s past. Having to continuously out do your best has sent some of the strongest to detention and the dog house.
The ‘what could be/what should be’ twins simply make success impossible. Their parents ‘I want’ and ‘I deserve’ have taught them how to beat everyone. The twins keep us second guessing what works and to never be satisfied with what we have. I have seen these twins take down almost as many couples as gravity does rain. That rare moment when the stars align and perfection happens ‘what could be’ tells us better is possible. Before our sigh of discontentment is out, ‘what should be’ reminds us the new level of perfection is how it should be all the time.
The next time you fail your mate, check to see who set the curve.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Relationship Question: Listen don't fix!
I get questions from clients and people about relationships all the time. Every month I will choose one to answer. This is one of my favorites.
“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”
First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.
Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.
When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.
You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.
“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”
First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.
Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.
When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.
You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A Look of Humanity
I was talking with a friend at my favorite coffee shop about the plights of the homeless. In his spare time he volunteers with Hope Ministries, serving homeless men and women. I was initially drawn to his enthusiasm for what he was learning in the process. Not only regarding the truths about homeless individuals, but also about him. One story he shared was about a man who wasn't asking for money, sympathy, or wine. He just wanted people to look him in the eye occasionally. In its simplest form, he wanted to be seen as human.
It reminded me that we all desire to be seen as human on occasion. After all, our one connection to each other is our humanity. Before that man acquired the status of “homeless”, he may have been a husband or a manager. Ironically, he still may not have had people see him as human, only the role he played for others. I began to see a myriad of faces that people no longer see as human. How we look at the roles and status more than the humans behind them. Just like the woman who lost her humanity when she excelled at work and became someone’s boss. Just like the man who is seen only as a father or husband and no longer the person with a mission to empower the community.
The next time you see someone with distinguishable status, look them in the eyes and give them the gift of humanity. The rich man in a suit, the attractive woman, the person giving you coffee are all human first. Take a moment to just look in their eyes.
Who knows, you might just feel a little more human yourself.
It reminded me that we all desire to be seen as human on occasion. After all, our one connection to each other is our humanity. Before that man acquired the status of “homeless”, he may have been a husband or a manager. Ironically, he still may not have had people see him as human, only the role he played for others. I began to see a myriad of faces that people no longer see as human. How we look at the roles and status more than the humans behind them. Just like the woman who lost her humanity when she excelled at work and became someone’s boss. Just like the man who is seen only as a father or husband and no longer the person with a mission to empower the community.
The next time you see someone with distinguishable status, look them in the eyes and give them the gift of humanity. The rich man in a suit, the attractive woman, the person giving you coffee are all human first. Take a moment to just look in their eyes.
Who knows, you might just feel a little more human yourself.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Role Value Recession
Often what happens to one gender also happens to the other. On the surface it may look different, but at its core, a profound similarity exists. The current recession has lead to job losses and those losses are affecting men’s role value. The industries most affected are ones dominated by males in those positions so naturally job losses have affected more men. In a society dominated by role value and the man’s role is that of provider, his role value decreases. This often occurs even when a circumstance beyond his control limits his opportunity to financially provide.
Historically, perception of a woman’s role value has often been connected to her degree of beauty. The woman’s role value recession occurred when the size of what is beautiful went from a size 10 to a size 2.* Marilyn Monroe used to be an icon of beauty with curves still visible under a swirling white dress. As the media and magazines began endorsing thinner women, by sheer repetition of cover models at size 0, the perceived standard of beauty shifted to accommodate. When this happened, women experienced social pressure to achieve the new size of beauty. Since men were being shown and taught the same things about what beauty was supposed to look like their expectations increased as well.
By today’s standards, runway models seem to bare more ribs than cleavage, while men making $50K require a second income to support a family of four. Because of this, an opportunity exists to move beyond role and gender value and connect to our human and individual value. As a person the man’s value has not changed due to economic shifts any more than the woman’s individual value is based on a cultural change. It is up to both of them to find and express new ways to connect to their own value. They must also make themselves available for others to connect to their new found value separate from financial and beauty. After all, the connection between two individuals will always be recession proof.
*contrary to popular belief Marilyn Monroe’s size was not a 16 but closer to a modern day 10. http://traceurl.com/rdS?r=3753&l=29
Historically, perception of a woman’s role value has often been connected to her degree of beauty. The woman’s role value recession occurred when the size of what is beautiful went from a size 10 to a size 2.* Marilyn Monroe used to be an icon of beauty with curves still visible under a swirling white dress. As the media and magazines began endorsing thinner women, by sheer repetition of cover models at size 0, the perceived standard of beauty shifted to accommodate. When this happened, women experienced social pressure to achieve the new size of beauty. Since men were being shown and taught the same things about what beauty was supposed to look like their expectations increased as well.
By today’s standards, runway models seem to bare more ribs than cleavage, while men making $50K require a second income to support a family of four. Because of this, an opportunity exists to move beyond role and gender value and connect to our human and individual value. As a person the man’s value has not changed due to economic shifts any more than the woman’s individual value is based on a cultural change. It is up to both of them to find and express new ways to connect to their own value. They must also make themselves available for others to connect to their new found value separate from financial and beauty. After all, the connection between two individuals will always be recession proof.
*contrary to popular belief Marilyn Monroe’s size was not a 16 but closer to a modern day 10. http://traceurl.com/rdS?r=3753&l=29
Monday, July 6, 2009
Relationships: What are they all about?
Let’s start with Romance…
It’s not about candy on Valentine’s Day or a limo ride to candlelight dinners. It’s not about date night every Friday or getting a sitter for the kids to see a movie before an expensive dinner. It’s not about jewelry, big diamonds, or planes flying over ballparks saying “will you marry me?” It’s not even about flowers on Wednesday for no apparent reason. And it’s definitely not about money, power, looks, or even sex.
It’s about connection and meaning.
Romance is a man saying “I love you more than your feelings”, meaning it, and her receiving it. Romance is a woman listening, genuinely listening to the batting statistics of a baseball player because she understands why it means so much to him and his son. Romance is about rubbing your hands over your mate’s side of the bed while they are brushing their teeth so they don’t have to experience the feeling of cold sheets in the middle of winter.
It’s about connection.
Romance is a man giving Ghirardelli chocolates because he remembers her favorite vacation with him was the trip they took to San Francisco while they were dating and that’s where they make the chocolate. Not because he’s’ done something wrong, but because he loves her; and she knows the difference. Romance is a wife giving her husband a Cross pen set on his first day of work because that’s what his late Dad and best friend always wrote with.
It’s about meaning.
Welcome to the TUG Coaching community where I will share all that I have to inspire people that healthy, loving relationships are possible and achievable.
It’s not about candy on Valentine’s Day or a limo ride to candlelight dinners. It’s not about date night every Friday or getting a sitter for the kids to see a movie before an expensive dinner. It’s not about jewelry, big diamonds, or planes flying over ballparks saying “will you marry me?” It’s not even about flowers on Wednesday for no apparent reason. And it’s definitely not about money, power, looks, or even sex.
It’s about connection and meaning.
Romance is a man saying “I love you more than your feelings”, meaning it, and her receiving it. Romance is a woman listening, genuinely listening to the batting statistics of a baseball player because she understands why it means so much to him and his son. Romance is about rubbing your hands over your mate’s side of the bed while they are brushing their teeth so they don’t have to experience the feeling of cold sheets in the middle of winter.
It’s about connection.
Romance is a man giving Ghirardelli chocolates because he remembers her favorite vacation with him was the trip they took to San Francisco while they were dating and that’s where they make the chocolate. Not because he’s’ done something wrong, but because he loves her; and she knows the difference. Romance is a wife giving her husband a Cross pen set on his first day of work because that’s what his late Dad and best friend always wrote with.
It’s about meaning.
Welcome to the TUG Coaching community where I will share all that I have to inspire people that healthy, loving relationships are possible and achievable.
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