Relationship Question: Listen don't fix!

I get questions from clients and people about relationships all the time. Every month I will choose one to answer. This is one of my favorites.

“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”

First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.

Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.

When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.

You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.