Relationship Strategies 101 – Choose Love First

This strategy can and will change how you approach a relationship and the level of fulfillment you and your partner can feel.

Move beyond "not being wrong". Not being wrong is built on safety not on success. Few have ever obtained greatness by an avoiding errors mentality, and none that I could name at this moment. In relationships, avoiding failure never equals success. It gives you two results; avoiding failure or not avoiding failure.

It is no wonder so many people in relationships are unfulfilled. Their maximum result is limited to being successful in avoiding failure. They spend their time avoiding hurting someone and avoiding feeling pain themselves. But did you notice nowhere in that last sentence is the word "LOVE"? Because love isn’t built on safety or even security, love is built on love itself. When you choose to love your mate more than avoid them feeling hurt, when you are successful they are loved.

Chasing Cars and Relationships

We’ve all heard the story of the dog that chases cars every time it sees one. Tongue hanging out, barking, and having a great time. But we rarely see what happens when the dog catches the car.

It reminds me of people who spend their time chasing relationships. The see a person who they would want to date them and they are off! They flirt, buy drinks, dress up, or laugh at jokes they don't think are even funny. When their "car" does something completely objectionable it is quickly dismissed because it has nothing to do with getting the other person to like them.

And when they are finally successful they realize how dissatisfied they are with the relationship. Quite often blaming the person they worked so hard to get for not being able to fulfill their needs. Unfortunately, they never stopped to see if they even like the person they have been chasing.

Remember, getting a person to like you because you want them is usually not as fulfilling as truly liking the person who wants you.


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/greensh/3528296950/

Act like you have been there before

Have you ever seen a football player score a touchdown and celebrate like it’s the first one he's ever done? He screams, yells points to the crowd, and keeps the ball. When the TV camera is on him he says “Hi MOM”. What about when they do that after their 23rd time? It almost looks strange and definitely over done. The NFL now penalizes a person for taking things too far after a touchdown under the “excessive celebration” rule. Interestingly enough it used to be called “unsportsmanlike”.

This is what it looks like for people who are surprised by healthy relationships. The woman who has a door held open on a date and then texts her friends "you won’t believe what just happened" and thanks him for the rest of the night. Or the guy who sits and just stares at the woman who offers to pay for dinner in sheer amazement.

These are basic actions often found in a healthy relationship. Yet when met with astonished celebration, will look strange to the person who IS healthy. If you are so utterly impressed and amazed by a person who apologies, says thank you, or doesn't yell at you when an error has been made; act like you have been there before. In the NFL it will cost you 15 yards for excessive celebration but in relationships it could cost you a little bit more. After all, healthy people want their actions to honored and appreciated not met in sheer astonishment.

Are you prepared for a healthy relationship?

Most people claim a desire for a healthy fulfilling relationship. From the person who has never experienced a healthy relationship to the person currently in an unhealthy relationship that was once healthy. The easiest conceivable solution is to have a healthy partner. One who will treat us in a way that makes it so easy to be healthy that loving them fully is the most natural response. However, if we do not know how to build, restore, and enhance what is healthy, even the fictitious perfect partner is not enough.

If you have only been in unhealthy you have learned how to respond and endure it. Healthy requires a different skill set. Healthy requires more trust than protection. Not because you are guaranteed your partner will never do something hurtful, because you trust in your partner’s intent for good. Healthy requires boundaries and accountability designed to build the relationship and not for control and punishment. And Healthy is not about finding a mate who knows how to handle your insecurities, but about a person moving past them to promote internal healthy to their partner.

It’s about responding to healthy love as a way of life and not like you hit the relationship lottery. To respond with honor gratitude and respect because of how much you value them, not because it’s a miracle that must be protected and held on to.

Remember preparing yourself for healthy love is your responsibility not your mates.

Picture compliments of http://www.flickr.com/photos/dappers/98050992/

Three lessons from the longest running TV Marriage

Marge and Homer Simpson

Lesson #1
Be yourself.
This is the only way you can truly be loved for who are. It is also a great way to be able to appreciate truly why you are loved. Homer is not the most sensitive man and Marge loves her “Homey”. And I have never hear Homer suggest Marge get a haircut or color her hair blond.

Lesson#2
Accept your spouse for who they are. They were designed to do some things & need you for others. They were not designed solely for your happiness. Once you have accepted them, love them for who they are. Marge has never tried to get Homer to quit bowling and Homer doesn’t try to squelch Marge’s civic minded activities.

Lesson #3
Forgive, apologize, and move on. Both people must be able to apologize for the impact of their choices. Many people excuse their negative impact on the relationship because they are a good person or they didn’t meant it. Receive the apology and truly forgive. Marge and Homer don’t bring up past mistakes and hurts in new episodes over and over again.

And if you read my last blog…
TA-DAA!!!

TA-DAA!!!

Gentlemen want to get the magic back in your relationship? Learn what magicians have known for decades. It’s what makes pulling the rabbit out of the hat trick work even when the audience knows it coming.

Say TA-DAA!!!

Add one to the simplest loving gesture and poof! Everything's better.
Give her a kiss on the cheek… TA-DAA!!!
Open the door… TA-DAA!!!
Take the garbage out… TA-DAA!!!

What's the worst thing that can come from it? You smile more & have fun loving her.

TA-DAA!!!


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/cayusa/1959068013/

Application = Impact

Have you ever sought help or assistance from somebody, learned a lot and didn’t apply it to your life? I developed TUG Coaching as a process for people to learn the skills and strategies for a healthy relationship in a manner that included application. One goal was to ensure the people I worked with didn’t end up with a verbal self-help book where they learned what to do but didn’t actually apply it to their lives. It’s in the application of what we learn that makes the big impact.

Recently I hired a Mike Sansone of ConverStations to assist me in utilizing the many tools available in this huge world of social media. After a few sessions my knowledge increase at a rate that had me looking forward to every session. Until my last session when I wasn’t as excited and didn’t get as much out of it. Because he is an excellent coach he not only held me accountable to my part but spoke very directly:

You are not applying what I’m coaching or what you are learning.

OUCH! It reminded me of when a person is struggling to connect to their mate, ask what they can do, then doesn't act on what suggestions their mate provides. So here is my public challenge with my coach: apply what I learn. After all, I sought his expertise in the first place. So tune in to the impact over the next 3-6 months.


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/spettacolopuro