Benefits of a Woman's Nation

When I read The Shriver Report I realized we have an unprecedented opportunity for genders to become human again. Both genders are being given the opportunity see the other side of the gender lines through experience. There is an increase in power and freedom in both worlds.

Men are now finding themselves in a more dependent role, and are struggling with this new reality. When another person (who is not your parent) is financially responsible for you, something changes. There is significant power in having financial strength in a relationship. Do men lodge legitimate and valid complaints and risk the peace? How big must the complaint be if it risks attacking the person who literally has the power of your livelihood? These are new questions that men must now address.

Meanwhile, women are now seeing how unrelenting business can be in new ways. They are now realizing that many companies care more about their bottom line than the employee’s needs or desires to spend time with children and spouses. Historically, this has been something men experienced and stay at home wives felt abandoned for. Women are now experiencing the breadwinner’s internal struggle to accept the reality that financially providing for 2-4 people often requires not spending time with those same 2-4 people.

How to maneuver the new found power both genders experience is new for so many. Utilizing that power in a fair, equitable, and loving way is not easy. Men are experiencing more time with the kids. Fathers are getting to know their children better simply from having more experiences with them. Developing relationships with their teachers, other parents, and their children’s friends are now part of their daily interactions. They make more decisions and solve more problems within their child’s lives, increasing their parental connection and value. Sometimes this value eclipses the mother’s influence as parent.

Women must now address the feelings of the spouse in relation to financial decisions from the role of power. They have known all too well how it feels when the breadwinner does not include them in the financial aspect of the family. Logical, rational decisions must be made “for the sake of the family” regardless of how the husband feels. How to handle the emotional side of men in the face of financial logic challenges every fairy tale written as well as the classic male archetype. How to handle a different perspective on the money she has earned is a breadwinner’s question: is it still the family’s money even though she earned it?

With all the changes and new opportunities, maybe we are becoming human for the first time.

Divorce is not Common

Is divorce really common, or have we become desensitized to it making it happen more often? When something reaches the level of “common” it is almost becomes expected, as if it is something out of our control. “It just happened”. Seeing divorce as common is very threatening to marriages because it discourages us from taking ownership of marital issues. When no one is willing to take ownership of a problem, we also give up ownership of the solution.

When we see divorce as common, the breakdown of marriages becomes routine. Phrases like “starter marriage” and “starter wife” become mainstream and are no longer offensive. The no-fault law was wonderful (and I mean wonderful) for women who needed to get out of abusive marriages for their own personal safety and the safety of the children, however, the long-term unintended impact of this law was certainly not in the design. Before instating this law, divorce carried a stigma. The benefit of the stigma of divorce wasn’t for shame, but rather to provide social guidelines for our benefit. A large number of marriages would be able to find happiness and fulfillment if given more time to work together and find a solution. However, when their societal boundaries promote the individual’s right to happiness at the expense of the couple, the marital union is threatened.

Divorce is not on the rise and the “50% of marriages end in divorce” is a bloated statistic. What IS common is why marriages succeed and why marriages fail. It’s far less a mystery or a secret held by the few people who married their soul mate, which still is no guarantee.