Who sets the curve when you grade your mate?

Its school time again! Students and teachers are getting ready for another year of lessons, homework, and of course TESTS! Do you remember that teacher who graded on a curve? There was always one student who set the curve so high you wished to be in another class! As a relationship coach, I see people grade their mates on a curve often. It can provide so much grace and allow for those dreaded “C” moments. I have also seen some curve setters sink a great number of relationships. The Terrible Three are ‘fairy tales’, ‘the best times’, and ‘the what could be/what should be’ twins. These 3 have set the bar so high people don’t just fail, they disappoint too.

‘Fairy Tales’ continue to give above average relationships the appearance of barely passing. Happily ever after becomes something that magically happens. This curve setter does not show what it takes to get to the ever after. The ending where the couple learns that fighting does not mean the marriage is over and overcoming conflict can strengthen a marriage.

‘The best times’ is a sneaky curve setter. Every time something great in the relationship occurs ‘the best times’ makes it the new standard. I have seen people move from wanting the best to requiring the best as the bare minimum. It’s hard enough competing with someone else’s past. Having to continuously out do your best has sent some of the strongest to detention and the dog house.

The ‘what could be/what should be’ twins simply make success impossible. Their parents ‘I want’ and ‘I deserve’ have taught them how to beat everyone. The twins keep us second guessing what works and to never be satisfied with what we have. I have seen these twins take down almost as many couples as gravity does rain. That rare moment when the stars align and perfection happens ‘what could be’ tells us better is possible. Before our sigh of discontentment is out, ‘what should be’ reminds us the new level of perfection is how it should be all the time.

The next time you fail your mate, check to see who set the curve.

Relationship Question: Listen don't fix!

I get questions from clients and people about relationships all the time. Every month I will choose one to answer. This is one of my favorites.

“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”

First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.

Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.

When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.

You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.