Fall Out of Love

While it seems easy to fall in love, especially according to Hollywood, what happens when the romance of the century or just a good relationship goes bad?  The feelings don’t just go away they linger.  There is almost this invisible force that pulls you back into the relationship.  It may even feel like the person has this magical string tied to your heart and you can’t break away.  I’ve seen people hold on for years and years without ever being able to let go of the love.  So how do you fall out of love?  Above all else you must choose to stop acting on the feeling.  But until then these three steps will get you started.

1.  Stop feeding the love.  The loving thoughts, and loving gestures you once gave them, cease.  Even in great relationships when the love stops getting fed, it dies off naturally.

2.  Refocus on what your life purpose is if you know it.  If not, focus on the qualities you enjoy the most about yourself.  Allow the love you once gave to them to flow into you.

3.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the emotions and heal.  This process is different for everyone.

The more invested in the relationship the more you become conditioned to being with that person.  The phone calls, text, the time spent.  Almost like an addiction, your body and mind become conditioned to feeling that connection.  When the person is no longer, the desire for the connection remains almost creating and internal revolt.  These three steps are designed to break the ties from the person that create the attraction and connection.  

He SHOULD know but he Doesn't

Many women desire a man that leads in actions that will be pleasing to them without having to tell him first.  It shows many of the things that means something to them.  For starters it shows initiative which is a major desire.    It eliminates the doubt that they are only doing it because they were asked.  By not having to tell him they know he is thinking about them and taking action with the thought.  Many women, even the ones who like to be in control, don’t want the guy to only follow orders when giving them things they desire.  It’s a more personalized experience for the woman because it shows the guy has been paying attention to them enough to get it right.  That good old fashion “he knows me “feeling. 

Often, men want to conquer, lead, hunt, but more than that men want to be successful.  When they don’t know what will work their humanness sets in.  They have already been told by society they don’t know any better and without a good woman they are lost.  It doesn’t take many times to get it wrong to wait for direction.  After all, some are waiting to know what they are supposed to wear in the morning so waiting for direction to love is not a big leap.  It also doesn’t take long to become dependent on the woman for decisions they have complete ownership in.  

They are looking for leading information and without that they are forced to guess.  It won’t take long before they are conditioned not initiating. A crippling fear can set in and avoiding getting it wrong takes over.  The guys mindset isn't how do I show my love but what will she like, and most important what won’t get me into trouble.  If you want confirmation ask men why they go with the safe route of chocolate, candy, and flowers almost every Valentine’s day.

You know if you have read my blog before, I write about Ownership.  For this one, like most things both people can make an impact in eliminating this issue.  Men, it is your ownership to show your love in a manner that has the biggest impact.  Ask more questions!  When she responds positively to something you do, ask what it that she likes most about it is.  Ask what it means to her.  Not all women will tell you so it’s best to ask.  It sure beats guessing.

Ladies, let your man know what you connected to when they do something good.  Don’t just say “wow thanks for the flowers”. Try “thanks for the flowers, I appreciate surprises”.  Show him the core value you connected to and it will give him a chance to love you in the ways you like that he feels comfortable.

Can men love a relationship to death?

Love; it is still one of the most powerful things in a relationship.  I don’t know when it shifted but it has.  What men are choosing to love is damaging their relationships like never before.  It used to seem like it was their jobs.  Allowing it to take so much time it didn’t allow enough time and energy to properly connect with their wives.  Some have even said it’s their dog considering it is supposed to be their best friend.  It is probably even true in some cases.  Like taking care of the leaves of the plant and wondering why the plant dies men stopped loving who she is at her core and started to love the woman’s feelings instead. 

When the woman has negative feelings about a problem, the men try to fix the feeling which is one of the top complaints I hear.  When women share something the feel about life the men try to address that too.  On the surface it doesn’t sound so bad.  However, what both people may not realize is when the man chooses to make the woman feel good over love her as a person they both begin and endless chase worse than man’s best friend and its tale.

A woman’s feelings can change and shift throughout life.  What they used to feel about one thing can change dramatically with experience, perspective, or even frequency.  A rose on a first date can elicit wonderful feelings.  A rose every date will not likely get the same response 6 months later.  In fact, it might even create a negative feeling.  After a while the woman can disconnect to her feelings and not feel genuinely loved.  As much as many women say they want to feel good, they most often want to be just loved for who they are.  

Loving the person allows a man to get to know who she is therefore what creates her feelings.  Over a time while a woman wants to feel good, she wants to be loved and cherished.  Loving her requires  a man to know her well enough to be able to hold her accountable when she is in error, encourage her when she is struggling, and congratulate her when she over comes a significant hurdle.  Paying attention to how she feels about those things is important but who she is the connection she needs to grow and feel cherished.

When the man is following her feelings she will be less likely to follow him. Loving her requires taking care of her at her core and allowing her to bloom.  So instead, try showing her you love her more than her feelings because she is MORE than her feelings.

3 Steps to Finding a “Good” Man

Where are all the good men?  I hear the question so many times that I looked into it and I found out if its true and what women can do about it.

Good men are going the way of the Dodo.

First off, let’s start with the word good.  Good by definition means solid and indicates contentment. Yet the description of a good man usually falls into the great category.  Good job, confident, knows how to treat a woman, able to communicate his feelings, knows how to be supportive, etc. etc…  Statistically that only represents a small percentage of the men out there.  So not only does good mean great but we are calling great only good.  Sounds like an interesting paradox.

Next we are telling these same guys they are dogs, unfaithful, completely at the whim of their sexual desires, incapable of true emotionally connection, and inferior to women in the realm of relationships.  And instead of providing more resources that fit men’s need and preferred ways of learning we tend to criticize the men for what they don’t know.  If you tell a child he is no good, incapable of doing good, do not be surprised when he fulfills your expectation.  So it is the same with adults.

Finally, we tell men that women want a nice guy who makes them laugh.  Yet, we watch as women give their bodies to the bad boy persona, the guy with money, or the guy already in a relationship and then tell men that they don’t understand their needs.  Sounds like another paradox. 

So what can women do to find the good men that are out there? Sure enough seek and you shall find

Step One:  Forgive men for all the wrongs individual men have done to you.  Your hurt is not only keeping you from nurturing men to be the men you desire; it’s keeping you from being able to receive loving gestures already being given.  It literally blocks you from seeing the good ones because you are so focused on how many bad ones out there.

Step Two:  Learn how to find the good in men versus expecting men to always show their value to you.  It is as much their opportunity to show you as it is yours to recognize it.  Expecting men to always show you why they are valuable sounds good but unfortunately is not realistic.  Plus, you do not have any ownership in what they do. 

Step Three:  Choose to believe in good men again.  When you believe they exist you will naturally see more of them in places you previously didn’t see. If you believe there are not any good men, you will try to prove yourself right.  Believe they exist and you will see more of them magically appear before your eyes.

   

TUG Tip: The happiest women are not the ones with great men; they are the women who have found greatness in their man.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

The real reason nice guys finish last is women are attracted to men.  There is a chemical response within women that connect to masculinity.  Women have always and will always respond to masculinity.  So why is this so important? Even though women often say they want a nicer guy, women do not consider nice guys very masculine. 

For many men it is mixed message.  The traits of “manly men” are not those associated with care, kindness, gentleness, respect, and honor.  They are traits highly desired in “manly men”.  The brand of manliness is consistent with behavior that does not place women in their priority list outside of sex, financial provision, and protection. 

The traits associated with nice guys are far more feminine.  Sweet, nice, patient, forgiving, accommodating are all traits we would describe women as more than men.  The association is often what creates the attraction.  Money, cars, power, are associated with desire and thus create more desire.  Weakness and feelings are not associated with masculine tendencies.  Also, people want their expectations to be filled even if their expectations are bad or inaccurate.  When a woman believes all men are liars, unfaithful, and bad, then they will reject men who don’t fit their standards of what makes a man.  The nice guy is never seen a man to her.

The expectations of men have become so low and anti-women that men who choose to be nice are no longer seen as attractive.  So if you are a woman, teach yourself what it really means to be a man and you will find yourself more attracted to the nice guy.  After all, it is much easier to bring out the bad boy in a nice guy than the nice guy out of the bad boy. 

The Female Paradox

You crave what you cannot handle and desire what you don’t believe in. You are taught that you deserve unconditional love even though that can only be given as a gift. Independence is to be achieved; dependence avoided, and yet interdependent is where you will be fulfilled. You are taught not to need a man, yet at the same time often defined by the one you have. Getting married is highly valued, yet being in an average marriage is shunned. Strength to persevere through emotionally hard times has been exchanged for the strength to leave. Motherhood is the top honor and kids come first, and then you wonder why the marital relationship did not survive.

You are told you should all be treated as beautiful, yet the qualifications for being beautiful are always seem to be whatever you are not. Being the best isn’t enough and great is settling. You are told to seek a man who can lead, even but you don’t ever follow. You have raised a generation of princesses without raising any princes or kings to serve them. You were told you are always right, but yet you don’t always have to have the answer.

You were told more opportunities outside the home would lead to more happiness, yet all you have experienced is more work and responsibility. You were told you could do anything while being handed the expectation of doing everything. That your strength is in your feelings and emotions, but you can’t use them at work. And at the end of the day, one of your greatest desires is to be loved for who you are... but you are taught to not trust in a man or his love.

No wonder women are experiencing the highest rate of depression, dissatisfaction, and general unhappiness than ever before.

Values or Life Style?

What has a more positive impact on a relationship long-term, being like-minded or like-lifestyled? To examine this comparison, we must first start with a working definition of both. Lifestyle is based upon how a person lives. This can be as general as country, region, state, city, or small city. Each style has its own cultural norms, which determine what is valuable in those areas. For example, within a suburban lifestyle, dress code is often quite significant. The collared shirt polo was a staple, and at one time the flipped-up collar denoted extra coolness.

The one thing that I find similar in all lifestyles, regardless of location or group, is the discussion of relationships: who got married, who was pregnant, who was unfaithful and with whom. Or, which woman was being ostracized for looking physically attractive and which man was being lambasted for his sense of “entitlement” because he was high on the relative wealth scale.

Like-minded is more about values and perspective. This goes past the” where you want to live” or “how do you live”. Is faithfulness about conviction, obligation, value, or diminished opportunity? Is money handled based upon your personal value of money or is it handled upon how much a person should be making to finance a particular lifestyle? While upbringing may shape our lifestyle expectations, like-mindedness is a universal that goes beyond how we live to who we are.

So which is going to play a bigger role long-term? Circumstances in life often shift outside of our control and in unexpected ways. When two people are like-minded based upon their values, they are more likely to stay on one accord. Like-minded allows for more personal preference and growth than like-lifestlyed. Being like-minded reflects the core values of each individual and it will likely have a greater, more positive impact on a relationship long-term. Determining what your values are and those of your partner instead of what their hobbies are and their favorite coffee is a much better first date conversation.

Responsible Love

How responsible are you with your love? I discovered this question in my own life when I realized how selfish we can be with our love. With the greatest intentions to simply share our lives and love with those we care for most, we can be completely irresponsible. Love has a component of accountability that we often forget about. But more than that, we give our hearts and love to people in ways they are not ready for.

Like giving keys to a powerful automobile to a 12 year old, we entrust people with something they don’t know how to handle. We want to give them everything we have out of pure goodness. Why? It feels great to us! We rarely stop to think about whether that person is ready for it. Are they prepared to handle the responsibility and care that goes along with receiving the gift of our hearts? Instead we get caught up in how good it feels to just love and hope they can handle it.

Waiting for a person to be ready to receive our gifts of love is being responsible. We would never blame the child for wrecking the car we gave them before they were ready. Meanwhile, we routinely give our hearts to people who are unreliable, unprepared, and unwilling to receive such an amazing gift. Then in an effort to eliminate our ownership, we demonize them for breaking it. One of the wisest and toughest things to do is share love in ways that will help rather than hurt. After all, it’s your heart. You are the one who should know if they are ready to handle your heart, not them.

Ladies!!! Raise the Bar and Date a Human.

After watching a couple on a date, I had a revelation in the plight of women to find good men and relationships. I met a nice looking, intelligent woman who was coupled up with a nice looking gentleman. After meeting them over team darts, I had a chance to interact more personally with them and learn a little bit about them. For starters, they were on a first date. His behavior was cocky, arrogant, and at times, flat out obnoxious. I was not judging, but rather noticing that his behavior was well out of the norm regarding actions and language, while hers was void of personal boundaries and respect. Inappropriate comments by him elicited frowns and clear from her. Statements such as “don’t laugh at me, I’m the king and you need to behave,” garnered surprise from all of us.

This followed with slaps on her butt, which she repeatedly responded with disgust. Her responses of “knock it off” and “behave” were met with, “Oh I’m going to get more than that later.” Yet when he leaned in for a kiss (which surprised me, as I could not figure out which signs he received that justified his move), she responded with a full kiss, including arms wrapped around him.

And there it was in plain view. If that behavior is acceptable, he has no reason to improve or do anything different. She instantly guaranteed the best she will get from him is just that. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. Change the supply, and demand will adjust. As long as that type of behavior is successful in getting a positive response, it will continue to happen. This is in no way to eliminate the ownership each man has for himself on how to treat women, only to recognize the massive amount of influence women have in how they are being treated.

Is that guy representative of men, or just him? I know many guys who, on their worst day, wouldn’t treat a woman that way. They are single and looking. I also know many guys who treat women that way and get second dates. Until women demand men to be different, men have little to no reason to change. Starting with that behavior and hoping to change it later, or hoping he will change, rarely works.

An underlying problem is masculinity has often been associated with this type of negative behavior to the point that when a man is polite, respectful, and kind, it is met with disbelief. Polite and respectful behavior is desired, but yet it is not always considered masculine. These women unconsciously connect to the rude as manly and the polite as feminine, and thus are turned off.

So the next time you complain about guys being bad, ask yourself if you are willing to stand up in the beginning for what you desire from a human more than what you expect a “guy” to do.

Benefits of a Woman's Nation

When I read The Shriver Report I realized we have an unprecedented opportunity for genders to become human again. Both genders are being given the opportunity see the other side of the gender lines through experience. There is an increase in power and freedom in both worlds.

Men are now finding themselves in a more dependent role, and are struggling with this new reality. When another person (who is not your parent) is financially responsible for you, something changes. There is significant power in having financial strength in a relationship. Do men lodge legitimate and valid complaints and risk the peace? How big must the complaint be if it risks attacking the person who literally has the power of your livelihood? These are new questions that men must now address.

Meanwhile, women are now seeing how unrelenting business can be in new ways. They are now realizing that many companies care more about their bottom line than the employee’s needs or desires to spend time with children and spouses. Historically, this has been something men experienced and stay at home wives felt abandoned for. Women are now experiencing the breadwinner’s internal struggle to accept the reality that financially providing for 2-4 people often requires not spending time with those same 2-4 people.

How to maneuver the new found power both genders experience is new for so many. Utilizing that power in a fair, equitable, and loving way is not easy. Men are experiencing more time with the kids. Fathers are getting to know their children better simply from having more experiences with them. Developing relationships with their teachers, other parents, and their children’s friends are now part of their daily interactions. They make more decisions and solve more problems within their child’s lives, increasing their parental connection and value. Sometimes this value eclipses the mother’s influence as parent.

Women must now address the feelings of the spouse in relation to financial decisions from the role of power. They have known all too well how it feels when the breadwinner does not include them in the financial aspect of the family. Logical, rational decisions must be made “for the sake of the family” regardless of how the husband feels. How to handle the emotional side of men in the face of financial logic challenges every fairy tale written as well as the classic male archetype. How to handle a different perspective on the money she has earned is a breadwinner’s question: is it still the family’s money even though she earned it?

With all the changes and new opportunities, maybe we are becoming human for the first time.

Divorce is not Common

Is divorce really common, or have we become desensitized to it making it happen more often? When something reaches the level of “common” it is almost becomes expected, as if it is something out of our control. “It just happened”. Seeing divorce as common is very threatening to marriages because it discourages us from taking ownership of marital issues. When no one is willing to take ownership of a problem, we also give up ownership of the solution.

When we see divorce as common, the breakdown of marriages becomes routine. Phrases like “starter marriage” and “starter wife” become mainstream and are no longer offensive. The no-fault law was wonderful (and I mean wonderful) for women who needed to get out of abusive marriages for their own personal safety and the safety of the children, however, the long-term unintended impact of this law was certainly not in the design. Before instating this law, divorce carried a stigma. The benefit of the stigma of divorce wasn’t for shame, but rather to provide social guidelines for our benefit. A large number of marriages would be able to find happiness and fulfillment if given more time to work together and find a solution. However, when their societal boundaries promote the individual’s right to happiness at the expense of the couple, the marital union is threatened.

Divorce is not on the rise and the “50% of marriages end in divorce” is a bloated statistic. What IS common is why marriages succeed and why marriages fail. It’s far less a mystery or a secret held by the few people who married their soul mate, which still is no guarantee.

Purpose of a Wedding

What is the purpose of a wedding anyway? The Clinton’s spent over 2 million on Chelsea's wedding and I ask again what it is about. Is the wedding about the marriage? The bride? The parents? The guests?
If you want to know the purpose of the next wedding you attend look for these telltale signs.

The Marriage
Both groom and bride are represented in the layout, dinner, and events. They are having more fun than everyone else in the room. They know almost everyone in the room because it’s their day to celebrate with the ones they love. The music reflects their style and if someone isn’t having a good time, it’s not the bride and groom’s fault. These are the ones that have even more fun at their 25th wedding renewal.

The Bride
It's all about her, period. The groom barely shows up. He has no idea about the settings, events, schedule, timing, maybe only the cost. He is probably hovering over his best man or his best friend since the bride vetoed him as the best man. Any sign of defeat he has will be lost in the “glow” of the bride showing off her wedding band cause the price tag is still attached. The telltale sign is when he has no idea what the words are to their wedding song. Why? The first time he ever heard it was at the rehearsal dinner.

The Parents
The guest list is the big giveaway here. When the bride and groom are meeting more people than they know in the greeting line, it’s about the parents. If you look closely you will see the strings attached to the tops of the bride and groom’s shoulders and arms as they move around to ensure putting on a great show for the parent's guests.

The Guests
“My wedding is better than you wedding is” the theme here. The bride and groom look exhausted and just glad to get on with their lives. Of course they are spending more time making sure everyone else is happy. This is well past hospitality and it costs more than their honeymoon. Unfortunately, guests are usually taking odds on when the divorce happens and who will file first.

Wedding Season isn’t over yet; enjoy seeing who your next wedding is really for.

Relationship Customer Service

On TUG Talk last week with my guest Robin Frederick, founder of the Girl Power Business Network, we talked about what happened to customer service. Two days later I went to hardware store bought two things. In the process I had five different people either offer to help or physically assist me. That's customer service.

On the show, I suggested one of the reasons exceptional customer service went away was people stopped saying thank you. Simple positive reinvorcement. Customers stopped telling employees how much we liked it and many companies started thinking price was the selling point. Good customer service was the norm and became taken for granted. Now that it is no longer the norm, it is missed more than ever. So much so that when we do get good customer service we are more surprised than pleased. It even became more common to take time for a complaint than a compliment.

This happens in relationships. People stop saying thank you for the things we value. Loving gestures celebrated in the beginning of relationships are given so consistently they become the norm. When that happens those same loving gestures become expectations. Providing financially, preparing dinner, house management, taking care of the kids; these are several I hear about frequently. It is only when they are missing they are truly noticed.

When a person is thanked for doing the basic and mundane parts of relationship, it makes it easier for them to enjoy doing them. The most amazing part about this concept is most people know it. Yet it doesn’t get done. A person doesn’t have to say thank you every single time. In fact consistent and occasional is the best method to lead to the loving gesture being repeated.

Saying thank you for the basics and the little things is one of the most natural ways to ensure they continue. It becomes a way of living that promotes the desirable behaviors around us. Before I left the hardware store I waited an additional 10 minutes until a manager was available to let them know what a great job the employees did. She was more surprised at the compliment than I was at the service.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons to say “I Don’t” after "I Do"

It’s been over a quarter of a century since the no fault divorce law was implemented. it was originally purposed to make it easier for women in abusive marriages to get away from the perpetrators of violent and harmful situations. In the age of divorce, the reasons people give for divorcing seems endless. Some of those reasons include abuse, adultery, and emotionally stunting environments with people who are unwilling to make changes. However, there are many reasons people are getting divorced that do not point to a serious problem worthy of breaking what was initially a lifelong commitment. The following are 5 of the many that I have heard.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons:

1. I was too young
The implication is when making a lifelong decision, youth and inexperience doesn’t warrant judgment or accountability. The marriages we celebrate the most are the ones that last the longest. If you don’t marry young, it makes it very difficult to reach a 50 year long marriage. Plus, with the average age people are getting re-married reaching the 25 year mark is going to be harder than ever.

2. We weren’t meant for each other
This usually is followed by the sentiment that if a couple was meant for each other it would have worked out. This presents a significant problem in the logic. Apparently being meant for each other automatically makes people enjoy each other and the only way to know is if it works. It adds this mystical component well outside the choice to work on the areas of contention and disappointment instead of seeing that fulfillment is a personal choice built on individual decisions.

3. We grew apart
Welcome to marriage! Every marriage has moments and times where people don’t feel as connected as they used to be or even want to be. One person may be investing a significant portion of energy in work, children, or just individual growth. During that stage, the life goals may shift and the connection is lessened between the couple. Marriage is based upon moving through those times and making the effort to reconnect. The commitment provides the time necessary for a couple to enjoy the joy of reconnection.

4. It just didn’t work
I am always baffled how few questions this one creates. It insinuates the marriage was just supposed to run by itself and naturally fix itself. Or even more insidious, the idea that they tried a few things that didn’t get the desired results so instead of continuing to find a solution they stopped looking for one. Rarely do I hear people asking for details or asking what they tried and did they try everything possible. Being committed to finding a solution means every failure is one step closer.

5. I wasn’t happy
As a huge proponent of marriage, this one completely undermines the purpose of marriage and commitment. Since I have yet to hear a wedding vow that said “make me happy or I will divorce you”, the function of marriage is not to make people happy. Happiness in marriage is a natural result when two people work together to love each other and reach for common goals.

Why women have affairs with married men

Disclaimer!
This is not for the women who interacted with a man believing he was unmarried. This is for the women who either knew upfront he was married or continued the relationship after finding out he was married. Just like the married man himself, no woman is more tempting than his individual choice, every woman can be held accountable to her decision.

In an age of women’s empowerment, ownership of choice, and pursuit of equal rights why do women continue to make themselves available, pursue, and have affairs with married men? Choice usually has two components: intent and benefit. Even when the intent is unconscious and not revealed until later, intent is there. In the area of cheating with a married man the intent can be everything from money, excitement, personal glory, thrill of the challenge, and even feelings of love. Of course there are others more insidious such as intent to harm someone else based on low self-esteem or envy. But when it’s all said and done, women make an individual choice to engage in activities with men who they know are married every single day.

The second part is benefit. Even with all the hurt women have experienced from their husbands, fathers, and friend’s husbands cheating women still continue to be the “other woman”. Logic says with all that hurt caused by the man’s choice women would be working in large numbers to make sure they NEVER said yes to a man with a ring. So there must be a huge upside to doing it. Studies show women find married men more attractive. One article even suggests a possible chemical change in a woman when she overcomes the obstacle of marriage to get her guy. Socially I have heard the benefits include money, power, and generally just getting things she wasn’t getting in her own life.

A third reason comes to mind when explaining human behavior. Because they can. This reason is more perplexing to many of us because it defies logic, rationale, and purposeful decision making. As much as we want to believe we are good natured and above such things many of us still do things simply because we can. The thought of consequences or impact simply isn't a deterrent to doing what feels good at the time.

While I do not claim to know all the factors to why this happens one thing for is for sure. When Beyonce said “you should have put a ring on it” she didn’t mean the one already on his finger.

A Woman's Loyalty

“I would rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” These are lyrics from Midnight Train to Georgia performed by Gladys Night and the Pips back in 1973. As a young man believing in chivalry and being trained to be a consummate gentleman, this song always made me think of the woman willing to follow her heart and her man. Decades later I find myself asking what happened to those types of women. Did they go away? Are they hiding? And my belief is neither.

I think we as men betrayed the gift of respect, honor, and loyalty women once gave us freely. That as a group they were punished for that unwavering belief that used to be connected to the feminine quality of a woman in her undying commitment to her man. They experienced years of being disrespected, devalued, and overall disregarded by men who connected to their roles of masculinity and not of their humanness. Those women were not rewarded for making such a sacrifice and courageous decision. Consequently, those same women of yesterday taught their daughters to look out for themselves, to be independent, and not to depend on a man. However, in that message of independence they also sent the message that a man is not worthy of trust, respect, or honor. That a man is to be approached with fear of what he can do wrong versus the grace love brings.

I hope over the next generation more women find a middle ground. Where independence allows them more freedom to choose a good man that fits their values and needs and not have to choose a man who can provide financially as an act of survival. That more men learn how to cherish a woman for who she is a human and beyond just her gender. Because each time it happens there is one more woman willing to ride that train back to Georgia with her man and reap the great benefits of her choice.

What does it take to break a covenant? Should it be reserved to only the things that destroy it and not the ones that undermine it? The marriage covenant usually includes “Til death do us part” and “for better and for worse”. Yet statistics show as high as 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than death. In fact, many marriages end because one person is unhappy for a long period of time and that’s a far cry from death.

Many claim to end marriages in distress FOR their children instead of finding a way to work through the pain, discomfort, and dissatisfaction when a marriage has become unhealthy. Barring physical abuse and adultery, my first question is what are you modeling for children about marriage? That it’s OK to choose when to break your covenant when you are tired, frustrated, and no longer willing to try. That after you have tried your best or tried everything you know it’s OK to give up. That choosing yourself over the marriage if it “feels right” or if the marriage isn’t what you expected. And that the marital breakdown was “who” you married and not how the two of you handles yourselves in the marriage.

One of the reasons so many desire healthier relationship skills are because so many people are choosing to break their covenants for reparable reasons. Not all, but many. The next time you are faced with the decision to support a covenant (yours or your friends) or break it for personal reasons, ask an adult child of divorce what would have benefitted them more…A divorce or a repaired marriage?

Relationship Strategies 101 – Choose Love First

This strategy can and will change how you approach a relationship and the level of fulfillment you and your partner can feel.

Move beyond "not being wrong". Not being wrong is built on safety not on success. Few have ever obtained greatness by an avoiding errors mentality, and none that I could name at this moment. In relationships, avoiding failure never equals success. It gives you two results; avoiding failure or not avoiding failure.

It is no wonder so many people in relationships are unfulfilled. Their maximum result is limited to being successful in avoiding failure. They spend their time avoiding hurting someone and avoiding feeling pain themselves. But did you notice nowhere in that last sentence is the word "LOVE"? Because love isn’t built on safety or even security, love is built on love itself. When you choose to love your mate more than avoid them feeling hurt, when you are successful they are loved.

Chasing Cars and Relationships

We’ve all heard the story of the dog that chases cars every time it sees one. Tongue hanging out, barking, and having a great time. But we rarely see what happens when the dog catches the car.

It reminds me of people who spend their time chasing relationships. The see a person who they would want to date them and they are off! They flirt, buy drinks, dress up, or laugh at jokes they don't think are even funny. When their "car" does something completely objectionable it is quickly dismissed because it has nothing to do with getting the other person to like them.

And when they are finally successful they realize how dissatisfied they are with the relationship. Quite often blaming the person they worked so hard to get for not being able to fulfill their needs. Unfortunately, they never stopped to see if they even like the person they have been chasing.

Remember, getting a person to like you because you want them is usually not as fulfilling as truly liking the person who wants you.


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/greensh/3528296950/

Act like you have been there before

Have you ever seen a football player score a touchdown and celebrate like it’s the first one he's ever done? He screams, yells points to the crowd, and keeps the ball. When the TV camera is on him he says “Hi MOM”. What about when they do that after their 23rd time? It almost looks strange and definitely over done. The NFL now penalizes a person for taking things too far after a touchdown under the “excessive celebration” rule. Interestingly enough it used to be called “unsportsmanlike”.

This is what it looks like for people who are surprised by healthy relationships. The woman who has a door held open on a date and then texts her friends "you won’t believe what just happened" and thanks him for the rest of the night. Or the guy who sits and just stares at the woman who offers to pay for dinner in sheer amazement.

These are basic actions often found in a healthy relationship. Yet when met with astonished celebration, will look strange to the person who IS healthy. If you are so utterly impressed and amazed by a person who apologies, says thank you, or doesn't yell at you when an error has been made; act like you have been there before. In the NFL it will cost you 15 yards for excessive celebration but in relationships it could cost you a little bit more. After all, healthy people want their actions to honored and appreciated not met in sheer astonishment.