Why Nice Guys Finish Last

The real reason nice guys finish last is women are attracted to men.  There is a chemical response within women that connect to masculinity.  Women have always and will always respond to masculinity.  So why is this so important? Even though women often say they want a nicer guy, women do not consider nice guys very masculine. 

For many men it is mixed message.  The traits of “manly men” are not those associated with care, kindness, gentleness, respect, and honor.  They are traits highly desired in “manly men”.  The brand of manliness is consistent with behavior that does not place women in their priority list outside of sex, financial provision, and protection. 

The traits associated with nice guys are far more feminine.  Sweet, nice, patient, forgiving, accommodating are all traits we would describe women as more than men.  The association is often what creates the attraction.  Money, cars, power, are associated with desire and thus create more desire.  Weakness and feelings are not associated with masculine tendencies.  Also, people want their expectations to be filled even if their expectations are bad or inaccurate.  When a woman believes all men are liars, unfaithful, and bad, then they will reject men who don’t fit their standards of what makes a man.  The nice guy is never seen a man to her.

The expectations of men have become so low and anti-women that men who choose to be nice are no longer seen as attractive.  So if you are a woman, teach yourself what it really means to be a man and you will find yourself more attracted to the nice guy.  After all, it is much easier to bring out the bad boy in a nice guy than the nice guy out of the bad boy. 

The Female Paradox

You crave what you cannot handle and desire what you don’t believe in. You are taught that you deserve unconditional love even though that can only be given as a gift. Independence is to be achieved; dependence avoided, and yet interdependent is where you will be fulfilled. You are taught not to need a man, yet at the same time often defined by the one you have. Getting married is highly valued, yet being in an average marriage is shunned. Strength to persevere through emotionally hard times has been exchanged for the strength to leave. Motherhood is the top honor and kids come first, and then you wonder why the marital relationship did not survive.

You are told you should all be treated as beautiful, yet the qualifications for being beautiful are always seem to be whatever you are not. Being the best isn’t enough and great is settling. You are told to seek a man who can lead, even but you don’t ever follow. You have raised a generation of princesses without raising any princes or kings to serve them. You were told you are always right, but yet you don’t always have to have the answer.

You were told more opportunities outside the home would lead to more happiness, yet all you have experienced is more work and responsibility. You were told you could do anything while being handed the expectation of doing everything. That your strength is in your feelings and emotions, but you can’t use them at work. And at the end of the day, one of your greatest desires is to be loved for who you are... but you are taught to not trust in a man or his love.

No wonder women are experiencing the highest rate of depression, dissatisfaction, and general unhappiness than ever before.

Benefits of a Woman's Nation

When I read The Shriver Report I realized we have an unprecedented opportunity for genders to become human again. Both genders are being given the opportunity see the other side of the gender lines through experience. There is an increase in power and freedom in both worlds.

Men are now finding themselves in a more dependent role, and are struggling with this new reality. When another person (who is not your parent) is financially responsible for you, something changes. There is significant power in having financial strength in a relationship. Do men lodge legitimate and valid complaints and risk the peace? How big must the complaint be if it risks attacking the person who literally has the power of your livelihood? These are new questions that men must now address.

Meanwhile, women are now seeing how unrelenting business can be in new ways. They are now realizing that many companies care more about their bottom line than the employee’s needs or desires to spend time with children and spouses. Historically, this has been something men experienced and stay at home wives felt abandoned for. Women are now experiencing the breadwinner’s internal struggle to accept the reality that financially providing for 2-4 people often requires not spending time with those same 2-4 people.

How to maneuver the new found power both genders experience is new for so many. Utilizing that power in a fair, equitable, and loving way is not easy. Men are experiencing more time with the kids. Fathers are getting to know their children better simply from having more experiences with them. Developing relationships with their teachers, other parents, and their children’s friends are now part of their daily interactions. They make more decisions and solve more problems within their child’s lives, increasing their parental connection and value. Sometimes this value eclipses the mother’s influence as parent.

Women must now address the feelings of the spouse in relation to financial decisions from the role of power. They have known all too well how it feels when the breadwinner does not include them in the financial aspect of the family. Logical, rational decisions must be made “for the sake of the family” regardless of how the husband feels. How to handle the emotional side of men in the face of financial logic challenges every fairy tale written as well as the classic male archetype. How to handle a different perspective on the money she has earned is a breadwinner’s question: is it still the family’s money even though she earned it?

With all the changes and new opportunities, maybe we are becoming human for the first time.