Fall Out of Love

While it seems easy to fall in love, especially according to Hollywood, what happens when the romance of the century or just a good relationship goes bad?  The feelings don’t just go away they linger.  There is almost this invisible force that pulls you back into the relationship.  It may even feel like the person has this magical string tied to your heart and you can’t break away.  I’ve seen people hold on for years and years without ever being able to let go of the love.  So how do you fall out of love?  Above all else you must choose to stop acting on the feeling.  But until then these three steps will get you started.

1.  Stop feeding the love.  The loving thoughts, and loving gestures you once gave them, cease.  Even in great relationships when the love stops getting fed, it dies off naturally.

2.  Refocus on what your life purpose is if you know it.  If not, focus on the qualities you enjoy the most about yourself.  Allow the love you once gave to them to flow into you.

3.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the emotions and heal.  This process is different for everyone.

The more invested in the relationship the more you become conditioned to being with that person.  The phone calls, text, the time spent.  Almost like an addiction, your body and mind become conditioned to feeling that connection.  When the person is no longer, the desire for the connection remains almost creating and internal revolt.  These three steps are designed to break the ties from the person that create the attraction and connection.  

He SHOULD know but he Doesn't

Many women desire a man that leads in actions that will be pleasing to them without having to tell him first.  It shows many of the things that means something to them.  For starters it shows initiative which is a major desire.    It eliminates the doubt that they are only doing it because they were asked.  By not having to tell him they know he is thinking about them and taking action with the thought.  Many women, even the ones who like to be in control, don’t want the guy to only follow orders when giving them things they desire.  It’s a more personalized experience for the woman because it shows the guy has been paying attention to them enough to get it right.  That good old fashion “he knows me “feeling. 

Often, men want to conquer, lead, hunt, but more than that men want to be successful.  When they don’t know what will work their humanness sets in.  They have already been told by society they don’t know any better and without a good woman they are lost.  It doesn’t take many times to get it wrong to wait for direction.  After all, some are waiting to know what they are supposed to wear in the morning so waiting for direction to love is not a big leap.  It also doesn’t take long to become dependent on the woman for decisions they have complete ownership in.  

They are looking for leading information and without that they are forced to guess.  It won’t take long before they are conditioned not initiating. A crippling fear can set in and avoiding getting it wrong takes over.  The guys mindset isn't how do I show my love but what will she like, and most important what won’t get me into trouble.  If you want confirmation ask men why they go with the safe route of chocolate, candy, and flowers almost every Valentine’s day.

You know if you have read my blog before, I write about Ownership.  For this one, like most things both people can make an impact in eliminating this issue.  Men, it is your ownership to show your love in a manner that has the biggest impact.  Ask more questions!  When she responds positively to something you do, ask what it that she likes most about it is.  Ask what it means to her.  Not all women will tell you so it’s best to ask.  It sure beats guessing.

Ladies, let your man know what you connected to when they do something good.  Don’t just say “wow thanks for the flowers”. Try “thanks for the flowers, I appreciate surprises”.  Show him the core value you connected to and it will give him a chance to love you in the ways you like that he feels comfortable.

Can men love a relationship to death?

Love; it is still one of the most powerful things in a relationship.  I don’t know when it shifted but it has.  What men are choosing to love is damaging their relationships like never before.  It used to seem like it was their jobs.  Allowing it to take so much time it didn’t allow enough time and energy to properly connect with their wives.  Some have even said it’s their dog considering it is supposed to be their best friend.  It is probably even true in some cases.  Like taking care of the leaves of the plant and wondering why the plant dies men stopped loving who she is at her core and started to love the woman’s feelings instead. 

When the woman has negative feelings about a problem, the men try to fix the feeling which is one of the top complaints I hear.  When women share something the feel about life the men try to address that too.  On the surface it doesn’t sound so bad.  However, what both people may not realize is when the man chooses to make the woman feel good over love her as a person they both begin and endless chase worse than man’s best friend and its tale.

A woman’s feelings can change and shift throughout life.  What they used to feel about one thing can change dramatically with experience, perspective, or even frequency.  A rose on a first date can elicit wonderful feelings.  A rose every date will not likely get the same response 6 months later.  In fact, it might even create a negative feeling.  After a while the woman can disconnect to her feelings and not feel genuinely loved.  As much as many women say they want to feel good, they most often want to be just loved for who they are.  

Loving the person allows a man to get to know who she is therefore what creates her feelings.  Over a time while a woman wants to feel good, she wants to be loved and cherished.  Loving her requires  a man to know her well enough to be able to hold her accountable when she is in error, encourage her when she is struggling, and congratulate her when she over comes a significant hurdle.  Paying attention to how she feels about those things is important but who she is the connection she needs to grow and feel cherished.

When the man is following her feelings she will be less likely to follow him. Loving her requires taking care of her at her core and allowing her to bloom.  So instead, try showing her you love her more than her feelings because she is MORE than her feelings.

3 Steps to Finding a “Good” Man

Where are all the good men?  I hear the question so many times that I looked into it and I found out if its true and what women can do about it.

Good men are going the way of the Dodo.

First off, let’s start with the word good.  Good by definition means solid and indicates contentment. Yet the description of a good man usually falls into the great category.  Good job, confident, knows how to treat a woman, able to communicate his feelings, knows how to be supportive, etc. etc…  Statistically that only represents a small percentage of the men out there.  So not only does good mean great but we are calling great only good.  Sounds like an interesting paradox.

Next we are telling these same guys they are dogs, unfaithful, completely at the whim of their sexual desires, incapable of true emotionally connection, and inferior to women in the realm of relationships.  And instead of providing more resources that fit men’s need and preferred ways of learning we tend to criticize the men for what they don’t know.  If you tell a child he is no good, incapable of doing good, do not be surprised when he fulfills your expectation.  So it is the same with adults.

Finally, we tell men that women want a nice guy who makes them laugh.  Yet, we watch as women give their bodies to the bad boy persona, the guy with money, or the guy already in a relationship and then tell men that they don’t understand their needs.  Sounds like another paradox. 

So what can women do to find the good men that are out there? Sure enough seek and you shall find

Step One:  Forgive men for all the wrongs individual men have done to you.  Your hurt is not only keeping you from nurturing men to be the men you desire; it’s keeping you from being able to receive loving gestures already being given.  It literally blocks you from seeing the good ones because you are so focused on how many bad ones out there.

Step Two:  Learn how to find the good in men versus expecting men to always show their value to you.  It is as much their opportunity to show you as it is yours to recognize it.  Expecting men to always show you why they are valuable sounds good but unfortunately is not realistic.  Plus, you do not have any ownership in what they do. 

Step Three:  Choose to believe in good men again.  When you believe they exist you will naturally see more of them in places you previously didn’t see. If you believe there are not any good men, you will try to prove yourself right.  Believe they exist and you will see more of them magically appear before your eyes.

   

TUG Tip: The happiest women are not the ones with great men; they are the women who have found greatness in their man.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

The real reason nice guys finish last is women are attracted to men.  There is a chemical response within women that connect to masculinity.  Women have always and will always respond to masculinity.  So why is this so important? Even though women often say they want a nicer guy, women do not consider nice guys very masculine. 

For many men it is mixed message.  The traits of “manly men” are not those associated with care, kindness, gentleness, respect, and honor.  They are traits highly desired in “manly men”.  The brand of manliness is consistent with behavior that does not place women in their priority list outside of sex, financial provision, and protection. 

The traits associated with nice guys are far more feminine.  Sweet, nice, patient, forgiving, accommodating are all traits we would describe women as more than men.  The association is often what creates the attraction.  Money, cars, power, are associated with desire and thus create more desire.  Weakness and feelings are not associated with masculine tendencies.  Also, people want their expectations to be filled even if their expectations are bad or inaccurate.  When a woman believes all men are liars, unfaithful, and bad, then they will reject men who don’t fit their standards of what makes a man.  The nice guy is never seen a man to her.

The expectations of men have become so low and anti-women that men who choose to be nice are no longer seen as attractive.  So if you are a woman, teach yourself what it really means to be a man and you will find yourself more attracted to the nice guy.  After all, it is much easier to bring out the bad boy in a nice guy than the nice guy out of the bad boy. 

The Female Paradox

You crave what you cannot handle and desire what you don’t believe in. You are taught that you deserve unconditional love even though that can only be given as a gift. Independence is to be achieved; dependence avoided, and yet interdependent is where you will be fulfilled. You are taught not to need a man, yet at the same time often defined by the one you have. Getting married is highly valued, yet being in an average marriage is shunned. Strength to persevere through emotionally hard times has been exchanged for the strength to leave. Motherhood is the top honor and kids come first, and then you wonder why the marital relationship did not survive.

You are told you should all be treated as beautiful, yet the qualifications for being beautiful are always seem to be whatever you are not. Being the best isn’t enough and great is settling. You are told to seek a man who can lead, even but you don’t ever follow. You have raised a generation of princesses without raising any princes or kings to serve them. You were told you are always right, but yet you don’t always have to have the answer.

You were told more opportunities outside the home would lead to more happiness, yet all you have experienced is more work and responsibility. You were told you could do anything while being handed the expectation of doing everything. That your strength is in your feelings and emotions, but you can’t use them at work. And at the end of the day, one of your greatest desires is to be loved for who you are... but you are taught to not trust in a man or his love.

No wonder women are experiencing the highest rate of depression, dissatisfaction, and general unhappiness than ever before.

Values or Life Style?

What has a more positive impact on a relationship long-term, being like-minded or like-lifestyled? To examine this comparison, we must first start with a working definition of both. Lifestyle is based upon how a person lives. This can be as general as country, region, state, city, or small city. Each style has its own cultural norms, which determine what is valuable in those areas. For example, within a suburban lifestyle, dress code is often quite significant. The collared shirt polo was a staple, and at one time the flipped-up collar denoted extra coolness.

The one thing that I find similar in all lifestyles, regardless of location or group, is the discussion of relationships: who got married, who was pregnant, who was unfaithful and with whom. Or, which woman was being ostracized for looking physically attractive and which man was being lambasted for his sense of “entitlement” because he was high on the relative wealth scale.

Like-minded is more about values and perspective. This goes past the” where you want to live” or “how do you live”. Is faithfulness about conviction, obligation, value, or diminished opportunity? Is money handled based upon your personal value of money or is it handled upon how much a person should be making to finance a particular lifestyle? While upbringing may shape our lifestyle expectations, like-mindedness is a universal that goes beyond how we live to who we are.

So which is going to play a bigger role long-term? Circumstances in life often shift outside of our control and in unexpected ways. When two people are like-minded based upon their values, they are more likely to stay on one accord. Like-minded allows for more personal preference and growth than like-lifestlyed. Being like-minded reflects the core values of each individual and it will likely have a greater, more positive impact on a relationship long-term. Determining what your values are and those of your partner instead of what their hobbies are and their favorite coffee is a much better first date conversation.

Responsible Love

How responsible are you with your love? I discovered this question in my own life when I realized how selfish we can be with our love. With the greatest intentions to simply share our lives and love with those we care for most, we can be completely irresponsible. Love has a component of accountability that we often forget about. But more than that, we give our hearts and love to people in ways they are not ready for.

Like giving keys to a powerful automobile to a 12 year old, we entrust people with something they don’t know how to handle. We want to give them everything we have out of pure goodness. Why? It feels great to us! We rarely stop to think about whether that person is ready for it. Are they prepared to handle the responsibility and care that goes along with receiving the gift of our hearts? Instead we get caught up in how good it feels to just love and hope they can handle it.

Waiting for a person to be ready to receive our gifts of love is being responsible. We would never blame the child for wrecking the car we gave them before they were ready. Meanwhile, we routinely give our hearts to people who are unreliable, unprepared, and unwilling to receive such an amazing gift. Then in an effort to eliminate our ownership, we demonize them for breaking it. One of the wisest and toughest things to do is share love in ways that will help rather than hurt. After all, it’s your heart. You are the one who should know if they are ready to handle your heart, not them.

Ladies!!! Raise the Bar and Date a Human.

After watching a couple on a date, I had a revelation in the plight of women to find good men and relationships. I met a nice looking, intelligent woman who was coupled up with a nice looking gentleman. After meeting them over team darts, I had a chance to interact more personally with them and learn a little bit about them. For starters, they were on a first date. His behavior was cocky, arrogant, and at times, flat out obnoxious. I was not judging, but rather noticing that his behavior was well out of the norm regarding actions and language, while hers was void of personal boundaries and respect. Inappropriate comments by him elicited frowns and clear from her. Statements such as “don’t laugh at me, I’m the king and you need to behave,” garnered surprise from all of us.

This followed with slaps on her butt, which she repeatedly responded with disgust. Her responses of “knock it off” and “behave” were met with, “Oh I’m going to get more than that later.” Yet when he leaned in for a kiss (which surprised me, as I could not figure out which signs he received that justified his move), she responded with a full kiss, including arms wrapped around him.

And there it was in plain view. If that behavior is acceptable, he has no reason to improve or do anything different. She instantly guaranteed the best she will get from him is just that. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. Change the supply, and demand will adjust. As long as that type of behavior is successful in getting a positive response, it will continue to happen. This is in no way to eliminate the ownership each man has for himself on how to treat women, only to recognize the massive amount of influence women have in how they are being treated.

Is that guy representative of men, or just him? I know many guys who, on their worst day, wouldn’t treat a woman that way. They are single and looking. I also know many guys who treat women that way and get second dates. Until women demand men to be different, men have little to no reason to change. Starting with that behavior and hoping to change it later, or hoping he will change, rarely works.

An underlying problem is masculinity has often been associated with this type of negative behavior to the point that when a man is polite, respectful, and kind, it is met with disbelief. Polite and respectful behavior is desired, but yet it is not always considered masculine. These women unconsciously connect to the rude as manly and the polite as feminine, and thus are turned off.

So the next time you complain about guys being bad, ask yourself if you are willing to stand up in the beginning for what you desire from a human more than what you expect a “guy” to do.

Benefits of a Woman's Nation

When I read The Shriver Report I realized we have an unprecedented opportunity for genders to become human again. Both genders are being given the opportunity see the other side of the gender lines through experience. There is an increase in power and freedom in both worlds.

Men are now finding themselves in a more dependent role, and are struggling with this new reality. When another person (who is not your parent) is financially responsible for you, something changes. There is significant power in having financial strength in a relationship. Do men lodge legitimate and valid complaints and risk the peace? How big must the complaint be if it risks attacking the person who literally has the power of your livelihood? These are new questions that men must now address.

Meanwhile, women are now seeing how unrelenting business can be in new ways. They are now realizing that many companies care more about their bottom line than the employee’s needs or desires to spend time with children and spouses. Historically, this has been something men experienced and stay at home wives felt abandoned for. Women are now experiencing the breadwinner’s internal struggle to accept the reality that financially providing for 2-4 people often requires not spending time with those same 2-4 people.

How to maneuver the new found power both genders experience is new for so many. Utilizing that power in a fair, equitable, and loving way is not easy. Men are experiencing more time with the kids. Fathers are getting to know their children better simply from having more experiences with them. Developing relationships with their teachers, other parents, and their children’s friends are now part of their daily interactions. They make more decisions and solve more problems within their child’s lives, increasing their parental connection and value. Sometimes this value eclipses the mother’s influence as parent.

Women must now address the feelings of the spouse in relation to financial decisions from the role of power. They have known all too well how it feels when the breadwinner does not include them in the financial aspect of the family. Logical, rational decisions must be made “for the sake of the family” regardless of how the husband feels. How to handle the emotional side of men in the face of financial logic challenges every fairy tale written as well as the classic male archetype. How to handle a different perspective on the money she has earned is a breadwinner’s question: is it still the family’s money even though she earned it?

With all the changes and new opportunities, maybe we are becoming human for the first time.

Divorce is not Common

Is divorce really common, or have we become desensitized to it making it happen more often? When something reaches the level of “common” it is almost becomes expected, as if it is something out of our control. “It just happened”. Seeing divorce as common is very threatening to marriages because it discourages us from taking ownership of marital issues. When no one is willing to take ownership of a problem, we also give up ownership of the solution.

When we see divorce as common, the breakdown of marriages becomes routine. Phrases like “starter marriage” and “starter wife” become mainstream and are no longer offensive. The no-fault law was wonderful (and I mean wonderful) for women who needed to get out of abusive marriages for their own personal safety and the safety of the children, however, the long-term unintended impact of this law was certainly not in the design. Before instating this law, divorce carried a stigma. The benefit of the stigma of divorce wasn’t for shame, but rather to provide social guidelines for our benefit. A large number of marriages would be able to find happiness and fulfillment if given more time to work together and find a solution. However, when their societal boundaries promote the individual’s right to happiness at the expense of the couple, the marital union is threatened.

Divorce is not on the rise and the “50% of marriages end in divorce” is a bloated statistic. What IS common is why marriages succeed and why marriages fail. It’s far less a mystery or a secret held by the few people who married their soul mate, which still is no guarantee.