Responsible Love

How responsible are you with your love? I discovered this question in my own life when I realized how selfish we can be with our love. With the greatest intentions to simply share our lives and love with those we care for most, we can be completely irresponsible. Love has a component of accountability that we often forget about. But more than that, we give our hearts and love to people in ways they are not ready for.

Like giving keys to a powerful automobile to a 12 year old, we entrust people with something they don’t know how to handle. We want to give them everything we have out of pure goodness. Why? It feels great to us! We rarely stop to think about whether that person is ready for it. Are they prepared to handle the responsibility and care that goes along with receiving the gift of our hearts? Instead we get caught up in how good it feels to just love and hope they can handle it.

Waiting for a person to be ready to receive our gifts of love is being responsible. We would never blame the child for wrecking the car we gave them before they were ready. Meanwhile, we routinely give our hearts to people who are unreliable, unprepared, and unwilling to receive such an amazing gift. Then in an effort to eliminate our ownership, we demonize them for breaking it. One of the wisest and toughest things to do is share love in ways that will help rather than hurt. After all, it’s your heart. You are the one who should know if they are ready to handle your heart, not them.

Ladies!!! Raise the Bar and Date a Human.

After watching a couple on a date, I had a revelation in the plight of women to find good men and relationships. I met a nice looking, intelligent woman who was coupled up with a nice looking gentleman. After meeting them over team darts, I had a chance to interact more personally with them and learn a little bit about them. For starters, they were on a first date. His behavior was cocky, arrogant, and at times, flat out obnoxious. I was not judging, but rather noticing that his behavior was well out of the norm regarding actions and language, while hers was void of personal boundaries and respect. Inappropriate comments by him elicited frowns and clear from her. Statements such as “don’t laugh at me, I’m the king and you need to behave,” garnered surprise from all of us.

This followed with slaps on her butt, which she repeatedly responded with disgust. Her responses of “knock it off” and “behave” were met with, “Oh I’m going to get more than that later.” Yet when he leaned in for a kiss (which surprised me, as I could not figure out which signs he received that justified his move), she responded with a full kiss, including arms wrapped around him.

And there it was in plain view. If that behavior is acceptable, he has no reason to improve or do anything different. She instantly guaranteed the best she will get from him is just that. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. Change the supply, and demand will adjust. As long as that type of behavior is successful in getting a positive response, it will continue to happen. This is in no way to eliminate the ownership each man has for himself on how to treat women, only to recognize the massive amount of influence women have in how they are being treated.

Is that guy representative of men, or just him? I know many guys who, on their worst day, wouldn’t treat a woman that way. They are single and looking. I also know many guys who treat women that way and get second dates. Until women demand men to be different, men have little to no reason to change. Starting with that behavior and hoping to change it later, or hoping he will change, rarely works.

An underlying problem is masculinity has often been associated with this type of negative behavior to the point that when a man is polite, respectful, and kind, it is met with disbelief. Polite and respectful behavior is desired, but yet it is not always considered masculine. These women unconsciously connect to the rude as manly and the polite as feminine, and thus are turned off.

So the next time you complain about guys being bad, ask yourself if you are willing to stand up in the beginning for what you desire from a human more than what you expect a “guy” to do.

Benefits of a Woman's Nation

When I read The Shriver Report I realized we have an unprecedented opportunity for genders to become human again. Both genders are being given the opportunity see the other side of the gender lines through experience. There is an increase in power and freedom in both worlds.

Men are now finding themselves in a more dependent role, and are struggling with this new reality. When another person (who is not your parent) is financially responsible for you, something changes. There is significant power in having financial strength in a relationship. Do men lodge legitimate and valid complaints and risk the peace? How big must the complaint be if it risks attacking the person who literally has the power of your livelihood? These are new questions that men must now address.

Meanwhile, women are now seeing how unrelenting business can be in new ways. They are now realizing that many companies care more about their bottom line than the employee’s needs or desires to spend time with children and spouses. Historically, this has been something men experienced and stay at home wives felt abandoned for. Women are now experiencing the breadwinner’s internal struggle to accept the reality that financially providing for 2-4 people often requires not spending time with those same 2-4 people.

How to maneuver the new found power both genders experience is new for so many. Utilizing that power in a fair, equitable, and loving way is not easy. Men are experiencing more time with the kids. Fathers are getting to know their children better simply from having more experiences with them. Developing relationships with their teachers, other parents, and their children’s friends are now part of their daily interactions. They make more decisions and solve more problems within their child’s lives, increasing their parental connection and value. Sometimes this value eclipses the mother’s influence as parent.

Women must now address the feelings of the spouse in relation to financial decisions from the role of power. They have known all too well how it feels when the breadwinner does not include them in the financial aspect of the family. Logical, rational decisions must be made “for the sake of the family” regardless of how the husband feels. How to handle the emotional side of men in the face of financial logic challenges every fairy tale written as well as the classic male archetype. How to handle a different perspective on the money she has earned is a breadwinner’s question: is it still the family’s money even though she earned it?

With all the changes and new opportunities, maybe we are becoming human for the first time.

Divorce is not Common

Is divorce really common, or have we become desensitized to it making it happen more often? When something reaches the level of “common” it is almost becomes expected, as if it is something out of our control. “It just happened”. Seeing divorce as common is very threatening to marriages because it discourages us from taking ownership of marital issues. When no one is willing to take ownership of a problem, we also give up ownership of the solution.

When we see divorce as common, the breakdown of marriages becomes routine. Phrases like “starter marriage” and “starter wife” become mainstream and are no longer offensive. The no-fault law was wonderful (and I mean wonderful) for women who needed to get out of abusive marriages for their own personal safety and the safety of the children, however, the long-term unintended impact of this law was certainly not in the design. Before instating this law, divorce carried a stigma. The benefit of the stigma of divorce wasn’t for shame, but rather to provide social guidelines for our benefit. A large number of marriages would be able to find happiness and fulfillment if given more time to work together and find a solution. However, when their societal boundaries promote the individual’s right to happiness at the expense of the couple, the marital union is threatened.

Divorce is not on the rise and the “50% of marriages end in divorce” is a bloated statistic. What IS common is why marriages succeed and why marriages fail. It’s far less a mystery or a secret held by the few people who married their soul mate, which still is no guarantee.

Purpose of a Wedding

What is the purpose of a wedding anyway? The Clinton’s spent over 2 million on Chelsea's wedding and I ask again what it is about. Is the wedding about the marriage? The bride? The parents? The guests?
If you want to know the purpose of the next wedding you attend look for these telltale signs.

The Marriage
Both groom and bride are represented in the layout, dinner, and events. They are having more fun than everyone else in the room. They know almost everyone in the room because it’s their day to celebrate with the ones they love. The music reflects their style and if someone isn’t having a good time, it’s not the bride and groom’s fault. These are the ones that have even more fun at their 25th wedding renewal.

The Bride
It's all about her, period. The groom barely shows up. He has no idea about the settings, events, schedule, timing, maybe only the cost. He is probably hovering over his best man or his best friend since the bride vetoed him as the best man. Any sign of defeat he has will be lost in the “glow” of the bride showing off her wedding band cause the price tag is still attached. The telltale sign is when he has no idea what the words are to their wedding song. Why? The first time he ever heard it was at the rehearsal dinner.

The Parents
The guest list is the big giveaway here. When the bride and groom are meeting more people than they know in the greeting line, it’s about the parents. If you look closely you will see the strings attached to the tops of the bride and groom’s shoulders and arms as they move around to ensure putting on a great show for the parent's guests.

The Guests
“My wedding is better than you wedding is” the theme here. The bride and groom look exhausted and just glad to get on with their lives. Of course they are spending more time making sure everyone else is happy. This is well past hospitality and it costs more than their honeymoon. Unfortunately, guests are usually taking odds on when the divorce happens and who will file first.

Wedding Season isn’t over yet; enjoy seeing who your next wedding is really for.

Relationship Customer Service

On TUG Talk last week with my guest Robin Frederick, founder of the Girl Power Business Network, we talked about what happened to customer service. Two days later I went to hardware store bought two things. In the process I had five different people either offer to help or physically assist me. That's customer service.

On the show, I suggested one of the reasons exceptional customer service went away was people stopped saying thank you. Simple positive reinvorcement. Customers stopped telling employees how much we liked it and many companies started thinking price was the selling point. Good customer service was the norm and became taken for granted. Now that it is no longer the norm, it is missed more than ever. So much so that when we do get good customer service we are more surprised than pleased. It even became more common to take time for a complaint than a compliment.

This happens in relationships. People stop saying thank you for the things we value. Loving gestures celebrated in the beginning of relationships are given so consistently they become the norm. When that happens those same loving gestures become expectations. Providing financially, preparing dinner, house management, taking care of the kids; these are several I hear about frequently. It is only when they are missing they are truly noticed.

When a person is thanked for doing the basic and mundane parts of relationship, it makes it easier for them to enjoy doing them. The most amazing part about this concept is most people know it. Yet it doesn’t get done. A person doesn’t have to say thank you every single time. In fact consistent and occasional is the best method to lead to the loving gesture being repeated.

Saying thank you for the basics and the little things is one of the most natural ways to ensure they continue. It becomes a way of living that promotes the desirable behaviors around us. Before I left the hardware store I waited an additional 10 minutes until a manager was available to let them know what a great job the employees did. She was more surprised at the compliment than I was at the service.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons to say “I Don’t” after "I Do"

It’s been over a quarter of a century since the no fault divorce law was implemented. it was originally purposed to make it easier for women in abusive marriages to get away from the perpetrators of violent and harmful situations. In the age of divorce, the reasons people give for divorcing seems endless. Some of those reasons include abuse, adultery, and emotionally stunting environments with people who are unwilling to make changes. However, there are many reasons people are getting divorced that do not point to a serious problem worthy of breaking what was initially a lifelong commitment. The following are 5 of the many that I have heard.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons:

1. I was too young
The implication is when making a lifelong decision, youth and inexperience doesn’t warrant judgment or accountability. The marriages we celebrate the most are the ones that last the longest. If you don’t marry young, it makes it very difficult to reach a 50 year long marriage. Plus, with the average age people are getting re-married reaching the 25 year mark is going to be harder than ever.

2. We weren’t meant for each other
This usually is followed by the sentiment that if a couple was meant for each other it would have worked out. This presents a significant problem in the logic. Apparently being meant for each other automatically makes people enjoy each other and the only way to know is if it works. It adds this mystical component well outside the choice to work on the areas of contention and disappointment instead of seeing that fulfillment is a personal choice built on individual decisions.

3. We grew apart
Welcome to marriage! Every marriage has moments and times where people don’t feel as connected as they used to be or even want to be. One person may be investing a significant portion of energy in work, children, or just individual growth. During that stage, the life goals may shift and the connection is lessened between the couple. Marriage is based upon moving through those times and making the effort to reconnect. The commitment provides the time necessary for a couple to enjoy the joy of reconnection.

4. It just didn’t work
I am always baffled how few questions this one creates. It insinuates the marriage was just supposed to run by itself and naturally fix itself. Or even more insidious, the idea that they tried a few things that didn’t get the desired results so instead of continuing to find a solution they stopped looking for one. Rarely do I hear people asking for details or asking what they tried and did they try everything possible. Being committed to finding a solution means every failure is one step closer.

5. I wasn’t happy
As a huge proponent of marriage, this one completely undermines the purpose of marriage and commitment. Since I have yet to hear a wedding vow that said “make me happy or I will divorce you”, the function of marriage is not to make people happy. Happiness in marriage is a natural result when two people work together to love each other and reach for common goals.