Why women have affairs with married men

Disclaimer!
This is not for the women who interacted with a man believing he was unmarried. This is for the women who either knew upfront he was married or continued the relationship after finding out he was married. Just like the married man himself, no woman is more tempting than his individual choice, every woman can be held accountable to her decision.

In an age of women’s empowerment, ownership of choice, and pursuit of equal rights why do women continue to make themselves available, pursue, and have affairs with married men? Choice usually has two components: intent and benefit. Even when the intent is unconscious and not revealed until later, intent is there. In the area of cheating with a married man the intent can be everything from money, excitement, personal glory, thrill of the challenge, and even feelings of love. Of course there are others more insidious such as intent to harm someone else based on low self-esteem or envy. But when it’s all said and done, women make an individual choice to engage in activities with men who they know are married every single day.

The second part is benefit. Even with all the hurt women have experienced from their husbands, fathers, and friend’s husbands cheating women still continue to be the “other woman”. Logic says with all that hurt caused by the man’s choice women would be working in large numbers to make sure they NEVER said yes to a man with a ring. So there must be a huge upside to doing it. Studies show women find married men more attractive. One article even suggests a possible chemical change in a woman when she overcomes the obstacle of marriage to get her guy. Socially I have heard the benefits include money, power, and generally just getting things she wasn’t getting in her own life.

A third reason comes to mind when explaining human behavior. Because they can. This reason is more perplexing to many of us because it defies logic, rationale, and purposeful decision making. As much as we want to believe we are good natured and above such things many of us still do things simply because we can. The thought of consequences or impact simply isn't a deterrent to doing what feels good at the time.

While I do not claim to know all the factors to why this happens one thing for is for sure. When Beyonce said “you should have put a ring on it” she didn’t mean the one already on his finger.

A Woman's Loyalty

“I would rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” These are lyrics from Midnight Train to Georgia performed by Gladys Night and the Pips back in 1973. As a young man believing in chivalry and being trained to be a consummate gentleman, this song always made me think of the woman willing to follow her heart and her man. Decades later I find myself asking what happened to those types of women. Did they go away? Are they hiding? And my belief is neither.

I think we as men betrayed the gift of respect, honor, and loyalty women once gave us freely. That as a group they were punished for that unwavering belief that used to be connected to the feminine quality of a woman in her undying commitment to her man. They experienced years of being disrespected, devalued, and overall disregarded by men who connected to their roles of masculinity and not of their humanness. Those women were not rewarded for making such a sacrifice and courageous decision. Consequently, those same women of yesterday taught their daughters to look out for themselves, to be independent, and not to depend on a man. However, in that message of independence they also sent the message that a man is not worthy of trust, respect, or honor. That a man is to be approached with fear of what he can do wrong versus the grace love brings.

I hope over the next generation more women find a middle ground. Where independence allows them more freedom to choose a good man that fits their values and needs and not have to choose a man who can provide financially as an act of survival. That more men learn how to cherish a woman for who she is a human and beyond just her gender. Because each time it happens there is one more woman willing to ride that train back to Georgia with her man and reap the great benefits of her choice.

What does it take to break a covenant? Should it be reserved to only the things that destroy it and not the ones that undermine it? The marriage covenant usually includes “Til death do us part” and “for better and for worse”. Yet statistics show as high as 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than death. In fact, many marriages end because one person is unhappy for a long period of time and that’s a far cry from death.

Many claim to end marriages in distress FOR their children instead of finding a way to work through the pain, discomfort, and dissatisfaction when a marriage has become unhealthy. Barring physical abuse and adultery, my first question is what are you modeling for children about marriage? That it’s OK to choose when to break your covenant when you are tired, frustrated, and no longer willing to try. That after you have tried your best or tried everything you know it’s OK to give up. That choosing yourself over the marriage if it “feels right” or if the marriage isn’t what you expected. And that the marital breakdown was “who” you married and not how the two of you handles yourselves in the marriage.

One of the reasons so many desire healthier relationship skills are because so many people are choosing to break their covenants for reparable reasons. Not all, but many. The next time you are faced with the decision to support a covenant (yours or your friends) or break it for personal reasons, ask an adult child of divorce what would have benefitted them more…A divorce or a repaired marriage?

Relationship Strategies 101 – Choose Love First

This strategy can and will change how you approach a relationship and the level of fulfillment you and your partner can feel.

Move beyond "not being wrong". Not being wrong is built on safety not on success. Few have ever obtained greatness by an avoiding errors mentality, and none that I could name at this moment. In relationships, avoiding failure never equals success. It gives you two results; avoiding failure or not avoiding failure.

It is no wonder so many people in relationships are unfulfilled. Their maximum result is limited to being successful in avoiding failure. They spend their time avoiding hurting someone and avoiding feeling pain themselves. But did you notice nowhere in that last sentence is the word "LOVE"? Because love isn’t built on safety or even security, love is built on love itself. When you choose to love your mate more than avoid them feeling hurt, when you are successful they are loved.

Chasing Cars and Relationships

We’ve all heard the story of the dog that chases cars every time it sees one. Tongue hanging out, barking, and having a great time. But we rarely see what happens when the dog catches the car.

It reminds me of people who spend their time chasing relationships. The see a person who they would want to date them and they are off! They flirt, buy drinks, dress up, or laugh at jokes they don't think are even funny. When their "car" does something completely objectionable it is quickly dismissed because it has nothing to do with getting the other person to like them.

And when they are finally successful they realize how dissatisfied they are with the relationship. Quite often blaming the person they worked so hard to get for not being able to fulfill their needs. Unfortunately, they never stopped to see if they even like the person they have been chasing.

Remember, getting a person to like you because you want them is usually not as fulfilling as truly liking the person who wants you.


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/greensh/3528296950/

Act like you have been there before

Have you ever seen a football player score a touchdown and celebrate like it’s the first one he's ever done? He screams, yells points to the crowd, and keeps the ball. When the TV camera is on him he says “Hi MOM”. What about when they do that after their 23rd time? It almost looks strange and definitely over done. The NFL now penalizes a person for taking things too far after a touchdown under the “excessive celebration” rule. Interestingly enough it used to be called “unsportsmanlike”.

This is what it looks like for people who are surprised by healthy relationships. The woman who has a door held open on a date and then texts her friends "you won’t believe what just happened" and thanks him for the rest of the night. Or the guy who sits and just stares at the woman who offers to pay for dinner in sheer amazement.

These are basic actions often found in a healthy relationship. Yet when met with astonished celebration, will look strange to the person who IS healthy. If you are so utterly impressed and amazed by a person who apologies, says thank you, or doesn't yell at you when an error has been made; act like you have been there before. In the NFL it will cost you 15 yards for excessive celebration but in relationships it could cost you a little bit more. After all, healthy people want their actions to honored and appreciated not met in sheer astonishment.

Are you prepared for a healthy relationship?

Most people claim a desire for a healthy fulfilling relationship. From the person who has never experienced a healthy relationship to the person currently in an unhealthy relationship that was once healthy. The easiest conceivable solution is to have a healthy partner. One who will treat us in a way that makes it so easy to be healthy that loving them fully is the most natural response. However, if we do not know how to build, restore, and enhance what is healthy, even the fictitious perfect partner is not enough.

If you have only been in unhealthy you have learned how to respond and endure it. Healthy requires a different skill set. Healthy requires more trust than protection. Not because you are guaranteed your partner will never do something hurtful, because you trust in your partner’s intent for good. Healthy requires boundaries and accountability designed to build the relationship and not for control and punishment. And Healthy is not about finding a mate who knows how to handle your insecurities, but about a person moving past them to promote internal healthy to their partner.

It’s about responding to healthy love as a way of life and not like you hit the relationship lottery. To respond with honor gratitude and respect because of how much you value them, not because it’s a miracle that must be protected and held on to.

Remember preparing yourself for healthy love is your responsibility not your mates.

Picture compliments of http://www.flickr.com/photos/dappers/98050992/