Partner Change or Relationship Transformation

I overheard a person describing their relationship as “completely unfulfilled”. I watched as their friend tried to listen intently to each of the reasons. They won’t do this, they keep doing that, I deserve better, why won’t they just do what I want, and they never listen. It was interesting watching the friend agree verbally in the beginning and after about 10 consecutive complaints; I could barely see a head nod.

I began to notice a pattern of the complaints and figured the friend had heard them before. Each one was about the other person in the relationship. The underlying message being everything wrong with the relationship was because of their partner. Which also means every solution is dependent on their partner. How frustrating and powerless they must have felt. When the future of a relationship relies on the behavior of one person, good or bad, the other person will inevitably feel powerless.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, this get’s highlighted. How much love a person feels will depend upon what their mate does. The message being “If only my partner would get me what I want, I would be happier” When they don’t change it doesn’t have to be our fault. Voila, problem solved.

Again, how frustrating and powerless.

It’s when both people participate in the solution, the relationship transforms. New attempts at love are met with grace instead of evaluation and judgment. New behaviors are met with patience and guidance versus expectation and disappointment.

I wonder if that person I heard wanted a relationship transformation or just their partner to change?

A Moment

Can you remember the last time you had "A" moment? A moment which happens so rarely but when it does it’s the only one you’ve ever had. When the beauty of life reveals itself to connect you and instantaneously bonds you to something so pure it cannot be made more. When your mind stops thinking and the breath falls away from your lips. The joy of "A" moment vacuums the air from the room, leaving only a silent gasp.

"A" moment so strong time wisps away, calendars fall, phones cease to ring. When you no longer ask others to confirm what you feel or compare the beauty, knowing the moment is so pure they are already connected to it. To ask if they saw it would be redundant and rhetorical. As if water over a levy flows from the inside of your soul wells up and appears under your eyes. And then it happens. "A" moment transforms into that one tear, so big you can hold onto it no longer.

Will it be wiped away or will it fall? As your cheek reveals a single wet streak it gives evidence "A" moment has captured your body. When your heart takes over and fills up for just a moment you realize "A" moment is bigger than you and yet you don’t feel smaller, it has somehow made you more.


Inspired by Susan Boyle singing “I dreamed a dream” from Les Miserables
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Social Media and Increasing Relationship Connection

When I was first introduced to social media I rejected it with more intensity than going to the doctor for the common cold. It was months of hearing the benefits of Facebook, LinkedIn, blogging, and even Twitter. The deciding factor for me occurred when I understood they were simply tools for connection. And just like every relationship, no matter how casual or intimate, connection is key.

Not only did these tools allow me to connect to others, they allowed others to connect to me in the methods they are most comfortable with. This reminded me of one of the biggest errors people make in relationships. We try and force our mate to connect to us in the ways WE desire. This is a clear sign that we have moved our goal from mutual connection to our partner connecting to us.

Learn the language and rules of their hobbies and passions. Sports, shopping, or a television show is irrelevant. It’s not just about being interested in their lives; it's giving them another avenue to talk with you about something they are comfortable with. Of course these conversation starters can naturally lead to deeper ones. What makes a stronger impact in relationships is always having something to talk about that your mate enjoys.

The next time you desire a stronger connection with your mate? The answer is associated with how many ways you allow your mate to connect to you!

Believe in the comeback

“The people who lose the most are the ones who know in their hearts, they gave up first.”
-TUG-

History has shown us some of the greatest sports stories are about the big comeback. When it looks like there is no chance of winning and the fans start leaving, something happens. It starts when one person decides it’s not over and success is only a matter of time. Their battle cries are the same. “We can do it.” “I believe.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew if we just kept trying and gave ourselves a chance we could do it.” “We just never gave up.” They believe in the comeback.

Why is it so important in relationships and marriage in particular? Believing in the comeback does several things. For one, it instantly gives value to both people. It doesn’t rely on one person to save the team but the team to save itself. Everyone has a role to play because there are no spectators on the winning team. Two, it gives the team something worth fighting for together. A house divided falls on itself but a common enemy can make allies of those at odds. Sometimes all it takes to get on the right track of rebuilding a great relationship is being on the same side of a fight. Third and most powerful, believing in the comeback opens the world of possibilities and capitalizes on the laws of probabilities. It gives the couple every possible chance at something great. It builds on anything good to make things better. It creates momentum where there was none. Whether it is a lucky bounce or a fluke compliment, it only takes one step in the right direction to build a path and create a journey.

One of the saddest things I have seen is when people give up before the game or relationship is over. They are the first ones blame others and point out that failure is a possibility. They give up when things are good and are even ahead simply because something goes wrong. Their battle cries are the same. “We’ll never make it.” “Why bother trying, it’s pointless.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew this would happen.” “I should have never even tried in the first place.” They want a comeback they don’t even believe in.

Please share your favorite comeback in the comments and inspire others.

Who sets the curve when you grade your mate?

Its school time again! Students and teachers are getting ready for another year of lessons, homework, and of course TESTS! Do you remember that teacher who graded on a curve? There was always one student who set the curve so high you wished to be in another class! As a relationship coach, I see people grade their mates on a curve often. It can provide so much grace and allow for those dreaded “C” moments. I have also seen some curve setters sink a great number of relationships. The Terrible Three are ‘fairy tales’, ‘the best times’, and ‘the what could be/what should be’ twins. These 3 have set the bar so high people don’t just fail, they disappoint too.

‘Fairy Tales’ continue to give above average relationships the appearance of barely passing. Happily ever after becomes something that magically happens. This curve setter does not show what it takes to get to the ever after. The ending where the couple learns that fighting does not mean the marriage is over and overcoming conflict can strengthen a marriage.

‘The best times’ is a sneaky curve setter. Every time something great in the relationship occurs ‘the best times’ makes it the new standard. I have seen people move from wanting the best to requiring the best as the bare minimum. It’s hard enough competing with someone else’s past. Having to continuously out do your best has sent some of the strongest to detention and the dog house.

The ‘what could be/what should be’ twins simply make success impossible. Their parents ‘I want’ and ‘I deserve’ have taught them how to beat everyone. The twins keep us second guessing what works and to never be satisfied with what we have. I have seen these twins take down almost as many couples as gravity does rain. That rare moment when the stars align and perfection happens ‘what could be’ tells us better is possible. Before our sigh of discontentment is out, ‘what should be’ reminds us the new level of perfection is how it should be all the time.

The next time you fail your mate, check to see who set the curve.

Relationship Question: Listen don't fix!

I get questions from clients and people about relationships all the time. Every month I will choose one to answer. This is one of my favorites.

“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”

First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.

Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.

When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.

You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.

A Look of Humanity

I was talking with a friend at my favorite coffee shop about the plights of the homeless. In his spare time he volunteers with Hope Ministries, serving homeless men and women. I was initially drawn to his enthusiasm for what he was learning in the process. Not only regarding the truths about homeless individuals, but also about him. One story he shared was about a man who wasn't asking for money, sympathy, or wine. He just wanted people to look him in the eye occasionally. In its simplest form, he wanted to be seen as human.

It reminded me that we all desire to be seen as human on occasion. After all, our one connection to each other is our humanity. Before that man acquired the status of “homeless”, he may have been a husband or a manager. Ironically, he still may not have had people see him as human, only the role he played for others. I began to see a myriad of faces that people no longer see as human. How we look at the roles and status more than the humans behind them. Just like the woman who lost her humanity when she excelled at work and became someone’s boss. Just like the man who is seen only as a father or husband and no longer the person with a mission to empower the community.

The next time you see someone with distinguishable status, look them in the eyes and give them the gift of humanity. The rich man in a suit, the attractive woman, the person giving you coffee are all human first. Take a moment to just look in their eyes.

Who knows, you might just feel a little more human yourself.