Valentine’s Day Hangover

I want to take this opportunity to share with many of the women who are (hopefully still) in a relationship with men who waited until the last second to shop for your Valentine’s Day gift. There are two main groups. The first group had no planning or preparation for any numbers of reasons that may or may not include “they love you/they love you not”. The second group is the ones who truly care about you and STILL wait until the last moment. It is not because they don't care but because they don't like being in a Pass/Fail situation with their love. Passing means they have proven their love and you FEEL LOVED. Fail means everything else. Not very good odds for love.

By the time they go to the gas station on the way home, they have eliminated 25 different ideas. Some of them are good but mostly just risky. Others they simply can't afford or are not even possible. So they go to the default of candy and flowers. Why would they do it when they know it won't score any new points? Because they know at least they don't end up in the dog house or on the couch for trying to express their love in the way they truly feel.

I’ve heard many women say they appreciate the little things. In the world of healthy relationships effort is one of the greatest little things.

Partner Change or Relationship Transformation

I overheard a person describing their relationship as “completely unfulfilled”. I watched as their friend tried to listen intently to each of the reasons. They won’t do this, they keep doing that, I deserve better, why won’t they just do what I want, and they never listen. It was interesting watching the friend agree verbally in the beginning and after about 10 consecutive complaints; I could barely see a head nod.

I began to notice a pattern of the complaints and figured the friend had heard them before. Each one was about the other person in the relationship. The underlying message being everything wrong with the relationship was because of their partner. Which also means every solution is dependent on their partner. How frustrating and powerless they must have felt. When the future of a relationship relies on the behavior of one person, good or bad, the other person will inevitably feel powerless.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, this get’s highlighted. How much love a person feels will depend upon what their mate does. The message being “If only my partner would get me what I want, I would be happier” When they don’t change it doesn’t have to be our fault. Voila, problem solved.

Again, how frustrating and powerless.

It’s when both people participate in the solution, the relationship transforms. New attempts at love are met with grace instead of evaluation and judgment. New behaviors are met with patience and guidance versus expectation and disappointment.

I wonder if that person I heard wanted a relationship transformation or just their partner to change?