Act like you have been there before

Have you ever seen a football player score a touchdown and celebrate like it’s the first one he's ever done? He screams, yells points to the crowd, and keeps the ball. When the TV camera is on him he says “Hi MOM”. What about when they do that after their 23rd time? It almost looks strange and definitely over done. The NFL now penalizes a person for taking things too far after a touchdown under the “excessive celebration” rule. Interestingly enough it used to be called “unsportsmanlike”.

This is what it looks like for people who are surprised by healthy relationships. The woman who has a door held open on a date and then texts her friends "you won’t believe what just happened" and thanks him for the rest of the night. Or the guy who sits and just stares at the woman who offers to pay for dinner in sheer amazement.

These are basic actions often found in a healthy relationship. Yet when met with astonished celebration, will look strange to the person who IS healthy. If you are so utterly impressed and amazed by a person who apologies, says thank you, or doesn't yell at you when an error has been made; act like you have been there before. In the NFL it will cost you 15 yards for excessive celebration but in relationships it could cost you a little bit more. After all, healthy people want their actions to honored and appreciated not met in sheer astonishment.

Are you prepared for a healthy relationship?

Most people claim a desire for a healthy fulfilling relationship. From the person who has never experienced a healthy relationship to the person currently in an unhealthy relationship that was once healthy. The easiest conceivable solution is to have a healthy partner. One who will treat us in a way that makes it so easy to be healthy that loving them fully is the most natural response. However, if we do not know how to build, restore, and enhance what is healthy, even the fictitious perfect partner is not enough.

If you have only been in unhealthy you have learned how to respond and endure it. Healthy requires a different skill set. Healthy requires more trust than protection. Not because you are guaranteed your partner will never do something hurtful, because you trust in your partner’s intent for good. Healthy requires boundaries and accountability designed to build the relationship and not for control and punishment. And Healthy is not about finding a mate who knows how to handle your insecurities, but about a person moving past them to promote internal healthy to their partner.

It’s about responding to healthy love as a way of life and not like you hit the relationship lottery. To respond with honor gratitude and respect because of how much you value them, not because it’s a miracle that must be protected and held on to.

Remember preparing yourself for healthy love is your responsibility not your mates.

Picture compliments of http://www.flickr.com/photos/dappers/98050992/

Three lessons from the longest running TV Marriage

Marge and Homer Simpson

Lesson #1
Be yourself.
This is the only way you can truly be loved for who are. It is also a great way to be able to appreciate truly why you are loved. Homer is not the most sensitive man and Marge loves her “Homey”. And I have never hear Homer suggest Marge get a haircut or color her hair blond.

Lesson#2
Accept your spouse for who they are. They were designed to do some things & need you for others. They were not designed solely for your happiness. Once you have accepted them, love them for who they are. Marge has never tried to get Homer to quit bowling and Homer doesn’t try to squelch Marge’s civic minded activities.

Lesson #3
Forgive, apologize, and move on. Both people must be able to apologize for the impact of their choices. Many people excuse their negative impact on the relationship because they are a good person or they didn’t meant it. Receive the apology and truly forgive. Marge and Homer don’t bring up past mistakes and hurts in new episodes over and over again.

And if you read my last blog…
TA-DAA!!!

TA-DAA!!!

Gentlemen want to get the magic back in your relationship? Learn what magicians have known for decades. It’s what makes pulling the rabbit out of the hat trick work even when the audience knows it coming.

Say TA-DAA!!!

Add one to the simplest loving gesture and poof! Everything's better.
Give her a kiss on the cheek… TA-DAA!!!
Open the door… TA-DAA!!!
Take the garbage out… TA-DAA!!!

What's the worst thing that can come from it? You smile more & have fun loving her.

TA-DAA!!!


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/cayusa/1959068013/

Application = Impact

Have you ever sought help or assistance from somebody, learned a lot and didn’t apply it to your life? I developed TUG Coaching as a process for people to learn the skills and strategies for a healthy relationship in a manner that included application. One goal was to ensure the people I worked with didn’t end up with a verbal self-help book where they learned what to do but didn’t actually apply it to their lives. It’s in the application of what we learn that makes the big impact.

Recently I hired a Mike Sansone of ConverStations to assist me in utilizing the many tools available in this huge world of social media. After a few sessions my knowledge increase at a rate that had me looking forward to every session. Until my last session when I wasn’t as excited and didn’t get as much out of it. Because he is an excellent coach he not only held me accountable to my part but spoke very directly:

You are not applying what I’m coaching or what you are learning.

OUCH! It reminded me of when a person is struggling to connect to their mate, ask what they can do, then doesn't act on what suggestions their mate provides. So here is my public challenge with my coach: apply what I learn. After all, I sought his expertise in the first place. So tune in to the impact over the next 3-6 months.


Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/spettacolopuro

I'm DONE

I read part a heartfelt story today. It’s about a person who was working hard to build a great life for their family. Facing the struggles of being a breadwinner and a parent to a young child, the excerpt depicted a fateful day. The day they heard the words, “I’m done.” No preceding discussion, no last chance, nothing. Over a dozen years of marriage and family gone in one sentence. And now this person must build their life again. What is probably special about this story that allows so many to connect the pain, struggles, and anguish felt is the story is about a woman.

Does society truly care about how men feel when relationships end? This was the question repeating in my mind as I read the excerpt from falling apart in one piece I kept asking myself if a man wrote this book would anyone care about his feelings. Or would we as a society immediately ask what he did or didn’t do to cause his wife to say “I’m done”? Would we embrace his struggle to maintain his composure at work while at home he is not being considered valuable enough to keep fighting for? Or would we as a society focus on the woman and child that are now left in the wake of whatever we have quietly convicted him of. Because after all in a society that claims there are no good men left, no woman in their right mind would ever leave a good man. Right?

I hope this story from Stacy Morrison helps guide women who have risen through the difficult ranks of business and struggling to grasp they just might feel more equipped in the workforce than as a wife or even a mother. That it’s OK to build on their strengths in order to build a peaceful fulfilling life. And if our society can allow women to simply be who they are maybe we can learn to connect to how men might feel when they have heard the words, “I’m Done.”

HAPPY FOLLOWS HEALTHY

…healthy does not follow happy. It’s not designed to because it’s bigger than happy. People can lose their soul chasing a feeling. So be healthy and joy might show up before happy does.