Set Your Mate Free

Is your mate free to receive your love or do they still live in the prison of reciprocity? Are they filled with a motivation to say “thank you” just so you know they are thankful? If you are with a mate who lives in a world driven by obligation, thank you cards, paybacks, and one-ups today you can set them free! Give them the permission to simply receive loving gestures from you. PERIOD. Tell them the only way they can say thank you is to feel thankful. Then you can show them they could receive, without guilt. Freedom to give for the sake of giving, freedom to receive simply because it was being given Wow the freedom!

Closing the gap between how much you love them and how much they feel loved is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship. When you let go of expecting appreciation for your loving gestures, you give your mate the freedom to receive them. Then your loving gestures have impact and the power to show your love instead of proving your love.

Chances are your mate has imagined it but never felt it. Give them the permission to just receive with feeling thankful and set them free.

Valentine’s Day Hangover

I want to take this opportunity to share with many of the women who are (hopefully still) in a relationship with men who waited until the last second to shop for your Valentine’s Day gift. There are two main groups. The first group had no planning or preparation for any numbers of reasons that may or may not include “they love you/they love you not”. The second group is the ones who truly care about you and STILL wait until the last moment. It is not because they don't care but because they don't like being in a Pass/Fail situation with their love. Passing means they have proven their love and you FEEL LOVED. Fail means everything else. Not very good odds for love.

By the time they go to the gas station on the way home, they have eliminated 25 different ideas. Some of them are good but mostly just risky. Others they simply can't afford or are not even possible. So they go to the default of candy and flowers. Why would they do it when they know it won't score any new points? Because they know at least they don't end up in the dog house or on the couch for trying to express their love in the way they truly feel.

I’ve heard many women say they appreciate the little things. In the world of healthy relationships effort is one of the greatest little things.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Love Signs

Having a common language is important in communication, particularly when it comes to non-verbal. Non-verbal communicating represents over half of all things being communicated. In sports, referees they have their own way of communicating to the players and fans. Two hands on the hips in basketball mean a blocking foul. While in football it means offside by the defense. So why is this important to relationships?

If a man gives a yellow rose to a woman whom he loves simply because he finds yellow more beautiful and wants to give something besides red, this could lead to a mixed message. In “romantic” lore, yellow roses indicate friendship while red means love. It would be very easy for her to receive an inaccurate message, which could lead to hurt feelings and beyond. Thus, leaving the man confused how such a loving gesture could have such a negative impact.

Every relationship can have its own signals. And they can bring a couple together. A rub of the nose at a party can indicate “this person is driving me crazy! Come save me” or “I’m bored. Let’s go home” It’s the shared meaning that is important, not the signals.

So the next time your partner does something that has a meaning that is offensive and confusing, ask what they meant by it. You just might learn a new signal for love.

Emotional Thief

Taking things personally when they are not about you is similar to being an emotional thief. The Emotional thief steals emotion from everywhere. They live on the power and strength of emotion. Good or bad they have an insatiable hunger for emotional energy. However their greatest hunger is negative energy. Like a ravenous beast they look for it everywhere.

A compliment that just might mean something bad is blood in the water for this beast. They jump to attack the person with “what do you mean” or what are you trying to say?” The person is immediately put on the defense creating more emotion. And as the person backpedals out of something so safe trying to figure out what has happened , what has gone so terribly wrong, the emotional thief moves in for the kill with comments of being offended and hurt.

The emotional thief wants things to be about them. When it’s not? They steal it and make it personal.

Partner Change or Relationship Transformation

I overheard a person describing their relationship as “completely unfulfilled”. I watched as their friend tried to listen intently to each of the reasons. They won’t do this, they keep doing that, I deserve better, why won’t they just do what I want, and they never listen. It was interesting watching the friend agree verbally in the beginning and after about 10 consecutive complaints; I could barely see a head nod.

I began to notice a pattern of the complaints and figured the friend had heard them before. Each one was about the other person in the relationship. The underlying message being everything wrong with the relationship was because of their partner. Which also means every solution is dependent on their partner. How frustrating and powerless they must have felt. When the future of a relationship relies on the behavior of one person, good or bad, the other person will inevitably feel powerless.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, this get’s highlighted. How much love a person feels will depend upon what their mate does. The message being “If only my partner would get me what I want, I would be happier” When they don’t change it doesn’t have to be our fault. Voila, problem solved.

Again, how frustrating and powerless.

It’s when both people participate in the solution, the relationship transforms. New attempts at love are met with grace instead of evaluation and judgment. New behaviors are met with patience and guidance versus expectation and disappointment.

I wonder if that person I heard wanted a relationship transformation or just their partner to change?

A Moment

Can you remember the last time you had "A" moment? A moment which happens so rarely but when it does it’s the only one you’ve ever had. When the beauty of life reveals itself to connect you and instantaneously bonds you to something so pure it cannot be made more. When your mind stops thinking and the breath falls away from your lips. The joy of "A" moment vacuums the air from the room, leaving only a silent gasp.

"A" moment so strong time wisps away, calendars fall, phones cease to ring. When you no longer ask others to confirm what you feel or compare the beauty, knowing the moment is so pure they are already connected to it. To ask if they saw it would be redundant and rhetorical. As if water over a levy flows from the inside of your soul wells up and appears under your eyes. And then it happens. "A" moment transforms into that one tear, so big you can hold onto it no longer.

Will it be wiped away or will it fall? As your cheek reveals a single wet streak it gives evidence "A" moment has captured your body. When your heart takes over and fills up for just a moment you realize "A" moment is bigger than you and yet you don’t feel smaller, it has somehow made you more.


Inspired by Susan Boyle singing “I dreamed a dream” from Les Miserables
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Social Media and Increasing Relationship Connection

When I was first introduced to social media I rejected it with more intensity than going to the doctor for the common cold. It was months of hearing the benefits of Facebook, LinkedIn, blogging, and even Twitter. The deciding factor for me occurred when I understood they were simply tools for connection. And just like every relationship, no matter how casual or intimate, connection is key.

Not only did these tools allow me to connect to others, they allowed others to connect to me in the methods they are most comfortable with. This reminded me of one of the biggest errors people make in relationships. We try and force our mate to connect to us in the ways WE desire. This is a clear sign that we have moved our goal from mutual connection to our partner connecting to us.

Learn the language and rules of their hobbies and passions. Sports, shopping, or a television show is irrelevant. It’s not just about being interested in their lives; it's giving them another avenue to talk with you about something they are comfortable with. Of course these conversation starters can naturally lead to deeper ones. What makes a stronger impact in relationships is always having something to talk about that your mate enjoys.

The next time you desire a stronger connection with your mate? The answer is associated with how many ways you allow your mate to connect to you!