TUG TALK

Purpose of a Wedding

2010-08-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of a wedding anyway? The Clinton’s spent over 2 million on Chelsea's wedding and I ask again what it is about. Is the wedding about the marriage? The bride? The parents? The guests?
If you want to know the purpose of the next wedding you attend look for these telltale signs.

The Marriage
Both groom and bride are represented in the layout, dinner, and events. They are having more fun than everyone else in the room. They know almost everyone in the room because it’s their day to celebrate with the ones they love. The music reflects their style and if someone isn’t having a good time, it’s not the bride and groom’s fault. These are the ones that have even more fun at their 25th wedding renewal.

The Bride
It's all about her, period. The groom barely shows up. He has no idea about the settings, events, schedule, timing, maybe only the cost. He is probably hovering over his best man or his best friend since the bride vetoed him as the best man. Any sign of defeat he has will be lost in the “glow” of the bride showing off her wedding band cause the price tag is still attached. The telltale sign is when he has no idea what the words are to their wedding song. Why? The first time he ever heard it was at the rehearsal dinner.

The Parents
The guest list is the big giveaway here. When the bride and groom are meeting more people than they know in the greeting line, it’s about the parents. If you look closely you will see the strings attached to the tops of the bride and groom’s shoulders and arms as they move around to ensure putting on a great show for the parent's guests.

The Guests
“My wedding is better than you wedding is” the theme here. The bride and groom look exhausted and just glad to get on with their lives. Of course they are spending more time making sure everyone else is happy. This is well past hospitality and it costs more than their honeymoon. Unfortunately, guests are usually taking odds on when the divorce happens and who will file first.

Wedding Season isn’t over yet; enjoy seeing who your next wedding is really for.

Relationship Customer Service

2010-06-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

On TUG Talk last week with my guest Robin Frederick, founder of the Girl Power Business Network, we talked about what happened to customer service. Two days later I went to hardware store bought two things. In the process I had five different people either offer to help or physically assist me. That's customer service.

On the show, I suggested one of the reasons exceptional customer service went away was people stopped saying thank you. Simple positive reinvorcement. Customers stopped telling employees how much we liked it and many companies started thinking price was the selling point. Good customer service was the norm and became taken for granted. Now that it is no longer the norm, it is missed more than ever. So much so that when we do get good customer service we are more surprised than pleased. It even became more common to take time for a complaint than a compliment.

This happens in relationships. People stop saying thank you for the things we value. Loving gestures celebrated in the beginning of relationships are given so consistently they become the norm. When that happens those same loving gestures become expectations. Providing financially, preparing dinner, house management, taking care of the kids; these are several I hear about frequently. It is only when they are missing they are truly noticed.

When a person is thanked for doing the basic and mundane parts of relationship, it makes it easier for them to enjoy doing them. The most amazing part about this concept is most people know it. Yet it doesn’t get done. A person doesn’t have to say thank you every single time. In fact consistent and occasional is the best method to lead to the loving gesture being repeated.

Saying thank you for the basics and the little things is one of the most natural ways to ensure they continue. It becomes a way of living that promotes the desirable behaviors around us. Before I left the hardware store I waited an additional 10 minutes until a manager was available to let them know what a great job the employees did. She was more surprised at the compliment than I was at the service.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons to say “I Don’t” after "I Do"

2010-06-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

It’s been over a quarter of a century since the no fault divorce law was implemented. it was originally purposed to make it easier for women in abusive marriages to get away from the perpetrators of violent and harmful situations. In the age of divorce, the reasons people give for divorcing seems endless. Some of those reasons include abuse, adultery, and emotionally stunting environments with people who are unwilling to make changes. However, there are many reasons people are getting divorced that do not point to a serious problem worthy of breaking what was initially a lifelong commitment. The following are 5 of the many that I have heard.

5 Socially Acceptable Reasons:

1. I was too young
The implication is when making a lifelong decision, youth and inexperience doesn’t warrant judgment or accountability. The marriages we celebrate the most are the ones that last the longest. If you don’t marry young, it makes it very difficult to reach a 50 year long marriage. Plus, with the average age people are getting re-married reaching the 25 year mark is going to be harder than ever.

2. We weren’t meant for each other
This usually is followed by the sentiment that if a couple was meant for each other it would have worked out. This presents a significant problem in the logic. Apparently being meant for each other automatically makes people enjoy each other and the only way to know is if it works. It adds this mystical component well outside the choice to work on the areas of contention and disappointment instead of seeing that fulfillment is a personal choice built on individual decisions.

3. We grew apart
Welcome to marriage! Every marriage has moments and times where people don’t feel as connected as they used to be or even want to be. One person may be investing a significant portion of energy in work, children, or just individual growth. During that stage, the life goals may shift and the connection is lessened between the couple. Marriage is based upon moving through those times and making the effort to reconnect. The commitment provides the time necessary for a couple to enjoy the joy of reconnection.

4. It just didn’t work
I am always baffled how few questions this one creates. It insinuates the marriage was just supposed to run by itself and naturally fix itself. Or even more insidious, the idea that they tried a few things that didn’t get the desired results so instead of continuing to find a solution they stopped looking for one. Rarely do I hear people asking for details or asking what they tried and did they try everything possible. Being committed to finding a solution means every failure is one step closer.

5. I wasn’t happy
As a huge proponent of marriage, this one completely undermines the purpose of marriage and commitment. Since I have yet to hear a wedding vow that said “make me happy or I will divorce you”, the function of marriage is not to make people happy. Happiness in marriage is a natural result when two people work together to love each other and reach for common goals.

Why women have affairs with married men

2010-05-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer!
This is not for the women who interacted with a man believing he was unmarried. This is for the women who either knew upfront he was married or continued the relationship after finding out he was married. Just like the married man himself, no woman is more tempting than his individual choice, every woman can be held accountable to her decision.

In an age of women’s empowerment, ownership of choice, and pursuit of equal rights why do women continue to make themselves available, pursue, and have affairs with married men? Choice usually has two components: intent and benefit. Even when the intent is unconscious and not revealed until later, intent is there. In the area of cheating with a married man the intent can be everything from money, excitement, personal glory, thrill of the challenge, and even feelings of love. Of course there are others more insidious such as intent to harm someone else based on low self-esteem or envy. But when it’s all said and done, women make an individual choice to engage in activities with men who they know are married every single day.

The second part is benefit. Even with all the hurt women have experienced from their husbands, fathers, and friend’s husbands cheating women still continue to be the “other woman”. Logic says with all that hurt caused by the man’s choice women would be working in large numbers to make sure they NEVER said yes to a man with a ring. So there must be a huge upside to doing it. Studies show women find married men more attractive. One article even suggests a possible chemical change in a woman when she overcomes the obstacle of marriage to get her guy. Socially I have heard the benefits include money, power, and generally just getting things she wasn’t getting in her own life.

A third reason comes to mind when explaining human behavior. Because they can. This reason is more perplexing to many of us because it defies logic, rationale, and purposeful decision making. As much as we want to believe we are good natured and above such things many of us still do things simply because we can. The thought of consequences or impact simply isn't a deterrent to doing what feels good at the time.

While I do not claim to know all the factors to why this happens one thing for is for sure. When Beyonce said “you should have put a ring on it” she didn’t mean the one already on his finger.

A Woman's Loyalty

2010-05-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

“I would rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” These are lyrics from Midnight Train to Georgia performed by Gladys Night and the Pips back in 1973. As a young man believing in chivalry and being trained to be a consummate gentleman, this song always made me think of the woman willing to follow her heart and her man. Decades later I find myself asking what happened to those types of women. Did they go away? Are they hiding? And my belief is neither.

I think we as men betrayed the gift of respect, honor, and loyalty women once gave us freely. That as a group they were punished for that unwavering belief that used to be connected to the feminine quality of a woman in her undying commitment to her man. They experienced years of being disrespected, devalued, and overall disregarded by men who connected to their roles of masculinity and not of their humanness. Those women were not rewarded for making such a sacrifice and courageous decision. Consequently, those same women of yesterday taught their daughters to look out for themselves, to be independent, and not to depend on a man. However, in that message of independence they also sent the message that a man is not worthy of trust, respect, or honor. That a man is to be approached with fear of what he can do wrong versus the grace love brings.

I hope over the next generation more women find a middle ground. Where independence allows them more freedom to choose a good man that fits their values and needs and not have to choose a man who can provide financially as an act of survival. That more men learn how to cherish a woman for who she is a human and beyond just her gender. Because each time it happens there is one more woman willing to ride that train back to Georgia with her man and reap the great benefits of her choice.

2010-05-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

What does it take to break a covenant? Should it be reserved to only the things that destroy it and not the ones that undermine it? The marriage covenant usually includes “Til death do us part” and “for better and for worse”. Yet statistics show as high as 50% of marriages will end for reasons other than death. In fact, many marriages end because one person is unhappy for a long period of time and that’s a far cry from death.

Many claim to end marriages in distress FOR their children instead of finding a way to work through the pain, discomfort, and dissatisfaction when a marriage has become unhealthy. Barring physical abuse and adultery, my first question is what are you modeling for children about marriage? That it’s OK to choose when to break your covenant when you are tired, frustrated, and no longer willing to try. That after you have tried your best or tried everything you know it’s OK to give up. That choosing yourself over the marriage if it “feels right” or if the marriage isn’t what you expected. And that the marital breakdown was “who” you married and not how the two of you handles yourselves in the marriage.

One of the reasons so many desire healthier relationship skills are because so many people are choosing to break their covenants for reparable reasons. Not all, but many. The next time you are faced with the decision to support a covenant (yours or your friends) or break it for personal reasons, ask an adult child of divorce what would have benefitted them more…A divorce or a repaired marriage?

Relationship Strategies 101 – Choose Love First

2010-04-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

This strategy can and will change how you approach a relationship and the level of fulfillment you and your partner can feel.

Move beyond "not being wrong". Not being wrong is built on safety not on success. Few have ever obtained greatness by an avoiding errors mentality, and none that I could name at this moment. In relationships, avoiding failure never equals success. It gives you two results; avoiding failure or not avoiding failure.

It is no wonder so many people in relationships are unfulfilled. Their maximum result is limited to being successful in avoiding failure. They spend their time avoiding hurting someone and avoiding feeling pain themselves. But did you notice nowhere in that last sentence is the word "LOVE"? Because love isn’t built on safety or even security, love is built on love itself. When you choose to love your mate more than avoid them feeling hurt, when you are successful they are loved.

Chasing Cars and Relationships

2010-04-20T10:49:00.001-07:00

We’ve all heard the story of the dog that chases cars every time it sees one. Tongue hanging out, barking, and having a great time. But we rarely see what happens when the dog catches the car.

It reminds me of people who spend their time chasing relationships. The see a person who they would want to date them and they are off! They flirt, buy drinks, dress up, or laugh at jokes they don't think are even funny. When their "car" does something completely objectionable it is quickly dismissed because it has nothing to do with getting the other person to like them.

And when they are finally successful they realize how dissatisfied they are with the relationship. Quite often blaming the person they worked so hard to get for not being able to fulfill their needs. Unfortunately, they never stopped to see if they even like the person they have been chasing.

Remember, getting a person to like you because you want them is usually not as fulfilling as truly liking the person who wants you.

Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/greensh/3528296950/

Act like you have been there before

2010-04-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a football player score a touchdown and celebrate like it’s the first one he's ever done? He screams, yells points to the crowd, and keeps the ball. When the TV camera is on him he says “Hi MOM”. What about when they do that after their 23rd time? It almost looks strange and definitely over done. The NFL now penalizes a person for taking things too far after a touchdown under the “excessive celebration” rule. Interestingly enough it used to be called “unsportsmanlike”.

This is what it looks like for people who are surprised by healthy relationships. The woman who has a door held open on a date and then texts her friends "you won’t believe what just happened" and thanks him for the rest of the night. Or the guy who sits and just stares at the woman who offers to pay for dinner in sheer amazement.

These are basic actions often found in a healthy relationship. Yet when met with astonished celebration, will look strange to the person who IS healthy. If you are so utterly impressed and amazed by a person who apologies, says thank you, or doesn't yell at you when an error has been made; act like you have been there before. In the NFL it will cost you 15 yards for excessive celebration but in relationships it could cost you a little bit more. After all, healthy people want their actions to honored and appreciated not met in sheer astonishment.

Are you prepared for a healthy relationship?

2010-04-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Most people claim a desire for a healthy fulfilling relationship. From the person who has never experienced a healthy relationship to the person currently in an unhealthy relationship that was once healthy. The easiest conceivable solution is to have a healthy partner. One who will treat us in a way that makes it so easy to be healthy that loving them fully is the most natural response. However, if we do not know how to build, restore, and enhance what is healthy, even the fictitious perfect partner is not enough.

If you have only been in unhealthy you have learned how to respond and endure it. Healthy requires a different skill set. Healthy requires more trust than protection. Not because you are guaranteed your partner will never do something hurtful, because you trust in your partner’s intent for good. Healthy requires boundaries and accountability designed to build the relationship and not for control and punishment. And Healthy is not about finding a mate who knows how to handle your insecurities, but about a person moving past them to promote internal healthy to their partner.

It’s about responding to healthy love as a way of life and not like you hit the relationship lottery. To respond with honor gratitude and respect because of how much you value them, not because it’s a miracle that must be protected and held on to.

Remember preparing yourself for healthy love is your responsibility not your mates.

Picture compliments of http://www.flickr.com/photos/dappers/98050992/

Three lessons from the longest running TV Marriage

2010-04-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

Marge and Homer Simpson

Lesson #1
Be yourself.
This is the only way you can truly be loved for who are. It is also a great way to be able to appreciate truly why you are loved. Homer is not the most sensitive man and Marge loves her “Homey”. And I have never hear Homer suggest Marge get a haircut or color her hair blond.

Lesson#2
Accept your spouse for who they are. They were designed to do some things & need you for others. They were not designed solely for your happiness. Once you have accepted them, love them for who they are. Marge has never tried to get Homer to quit bowling and Homer doesn’t try to squelch Marge’s civic minded activities.

Lesson #3
Forgive, apologize, and move on. Both people must be able to apologize for the impact of their choices. Many people excuse their negative impact on the relationship because they are a good person or they didn’t meant it. Receive the apology and truly forgive. Marge and Homer don’t bring up past mistakes and hurts in new episodes over and over again.

And if you read my last blog…
TA-DAA!!!

TA-DAA!!!

2010-04-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen want to get the magic back in your relationship? Learn what magicians have known for decades. It’s what makes pulling the rabbit out of the hat trick work even when the audience knows it coming.

Say TA-DAA!!!

Add one to the simplest loving gesture and poof! Everything's better.
Give her a kiss on the cheek… TA-DAA!!!
Open the door… TA-DAA!!!
Take the garbage out… TA-DAA!!!

What's the worst thing that can come from it? You smile more & have fun loving her.

TA-DAA!!!

Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/cayusa/1959068013/

Application = Impact

2010-04-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sought help or assistance from somebody, learned a lot and didn’t apply it to your life? I developed TUG Coaching as a process for people to learn the skills and strategies for a healthy relationship in a manner that included application. One goal was to ensure the people I worked with didn’t end up with a verbal self-help book where they learned what to do but didn’t actually apply it to their lives. It’s in the application of what we learn that makes the big impact.

Recently I hired a Mike Sansone of ConverStations to assist me in utilizing the many tools available in this huge world of social media. After a few sessions my knowledge increase at a rate that had me looking forward to every session. Until my last session when I wasn’t as excited and didn’t get as much out of it. Because he is an excellent coach he not only held me accountable to my part but spoke very directly:

You are not applying what I’m coaching or what you are learning.

OUCH! It reminded me of when a person is struggling to connect to their mate, ask what they can do, then doesn't act on what suggestions their mate provides. So here is my public challenge with my coach: apply what I learn. After all, I sought his expertise in the first place. So tune in to the impact over the next 3-6 months.

Picture by http://www.flickr.com/photos/spettacolopuro

I'm DONE

2010-03-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

I read part a heartfelt story today. It’s about a person who was working hard to build a great life for their family. Facing the struggles of being a breadwinner and a parent to a young child, the excerpt depicted a fateful day. The day they heard the words, “I’m done.” No preceding discussion, no last chance, nothing. Over a dozen years of marriage and family gone in one sentence. And now this person must build their life again. What is probably special about this story that allows so many to connect the pain, struggles, and anguish felt is the story is about a woman.

Does society truly care about how men feel when relationships end? This was the question repeating in my mind as I read the excerpt from falling apart in one piece I kept asking myself if a man wrote this book would anyone care about his feelings. Or would we as a society immediately ask what he did or didn’t do to cause his wife to say “I’m done”? Would we embrace his struggle to maintain his composure at work while at home he is not being considered valuable enough to keep fighting for? Or would we as a society focus on the woman and child that are now left in the wake of whatever we have quietly convicted him of. Because after all in a society that claims there are no good men left, no woman in their right mind would ever leave a good man. Right?

I hope this story from Stacy Morrison helps guide women who have risen through the difficult ranks of business and struggling to grasp they just might feel more equipped in the workforce than as a wife or even a mother. That it’s OK to build on their strengths in order to build a peaceful fulfilling life. And if our society can allow women to simply be who they are maybe we can learn to connect to how men might feel when they have heard the words, “I’m Done.”

HAPPY FOLLOWS HEALTHY

2010-03-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

…healthy does not follow happy. It’s not designed to because it’s bigger than happy. People can lose their soul chasing a feeling. So be healthy and joy might show up before happy does.

Set Your Mate Free

2010-02-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

Is your mate free to receive your love or do they still live in the prison of reciprocity? Are they filled with a motivation to say “thank you” just so you know they are thankful? If you are with a mate who lives in a world driven by obligation, thank you cards, paybacks, and one-ups today you can set them free! Give them the permission to simply receive loving gestures from you. PERIOD. Tell them the only way they can say thank you is to feel thankful. Then you can show them they could receive, without guilt. Freedom to give for the sake of giving, freedom to receive simply because it was being given Wow the freedom!

Closing the gap between how much you love them and how much they feel loved is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship. When you let go of expecting appreciation for your loving gestures, you give your mate the freedom to receive them. Then your loving gestures have impact and the power to show your love instead of proving your love.

Chances are your mate has imagined it but never felt it. Give them the permission to just receive with feeling thankful and set them free.

Valentine’s Day Hangover

2010-02-15T11:19:00.000-08:00

I want to take this opportunity to share with many of the women who are (hopefully still) in a relationship with men who waited until the last second to shop for your Valentine’s Day gift. There are two main groups. The first group had no planning or preparation for any numbers of reasons that may or may not include “they love you/they love you not”. The second group is the ones who truly care about you and STILL wait until the last moment. It is not because they don't care but because they don't like being in a Pass/Fail situation with their love. Passing means they have proven their love and you FEEL LOVED. Fail means everything else. Not very good odds for love.

By the time they go to the gas station on the way home, they have eliminated 25 different ideas. Some of them are good but mostly just risky. Others they simply can't afford or are not even possible. So they go to the default of candy and flowers. Why would they do it when they know it won't score any new points? Because they know at least they don't end up in the dog house or on the couch for trying to express their love in the way they truly feel.

I’ve heard many women say they appreciate the little things. In the world of healthy relationships effort is one of the greatest little things.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Love Signs

2010-02-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Having a common language is important in communication, particularly when it comes to non-verbal. Non-verbal communicating represents over half of all things being communicated. In sports, referees they have their own way of communicating to the players and fans. Two hands on the hips in basketball mean a blocking foul. While in football it means offside by the defense. So why is this important to relationships?

If a man gives a yellow rose to a woman whom he loves simply because he finds yellow more beautiful and wants to give something besides red, this could lead to a mixed message. In “romantic” lore, yellow roses indicate friendship while red means love. It would be very easy for her to receive an inaccurate message, which could lead to hurt feelings and beyond. Thus, leaving the man confused how such a loving gesture could have such a negative impact.

Every relationship can have its own signals. And they can bring a couple together. A rub of the nose at a party can indicate “this person is driving me crazy! Come save me” or “I’m bored. Let’s go home” It’s the shared meaning that is important, not the signals.

So the next time your partner does something that has a meaning that is offensive and confusing, ask what they meant by it. You just might learn a new signal for love.

Emotional Thief

2010-02-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

Taking things personally when they are not about you is similar to being an emotional thief. The Emotional thief steals emotion from everywhere. They live on the power and strength of emotion. Good or bad they have an insatiable hunger for emotional energy. However their greatest hunger is negative energy. Like a ravenous beast they look for it everywhere.

A compliment that just might mean something bad is blood in the water for this beast. They jump to attack the person with “what do you mean” or what are you trying to say?” The person is immediately put on the defense creating more emotion. And as the person backpedals out of something so safe trying to figure out what has happened , what has gone so terribly wrong, the emotional thief moves in for the kill with comments of being offended and hurt.

The emotional thief wants things to be about them. When it’s not? They steal it and make it personal.

Partner Change or Relationship Transformation

2010-01-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

I overheard a person describing their relationship as “completely unfulfilled”. I watched as their friend tried to listen intently to each of the reasons. They won’t do this, they keep doing that, I deserve better, why won’t they just do what I want, and they never listen. It was interesting watching the friend agree verbally in the beginning and after about 10 consecutive complaints; I could barely see a head nod.

I began to notice a pattern of the complaints and figured the friend had heard them before. Each one was about the other person in the relationship. The underlying message being everything wrong with the relationship was because of their partner. Which also means every solution is dependent on their partner. How frustrating and powerless they must have felt. When the future of a relationship relies on the behavior of one person, good or bad, the other person will inevitably feel powerless.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, this get’s highlighted. How much love a person feels will depend upon what their mate does. The message being “If only my partner would get me what I want, I would be happier” When they don’t change it doesn’t have to be our fault. Voila, problem solved.

Again, how frustrating and powerless.

It’s when both people participate in the solution, the relationship transforms. New attempts at love are met with grace instead of evaluation and judgment. New behaviors are met with patience and guidance versus expectation and disappointment.

I wonder if that person I heard wanted a relationship transformation or just their partner to change?

A Moment

2010-01-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

Can you remember the last time you had "A" moment? A moment which happens so rarely but when it does it’s the only one you’ve ever had. When the beauty of life reveals itself to connect you and instantaneously bonds you to something so pure it cannot be made more. When your mind stops thinking and the breath falls away from your lips. The joy of "A" moment vacuums the air from the room, leaving only a silent gasp.

"A" moment so strong time wisps away, calendars fall, phones cease to ring. When you no longer ask others to confirm what you feel or compare the beauty, knowing the moment is so pure they are already connected to it. To ask if they saw it would be redundant and rhetorical. As if water over a levy flows from the inside of your soul wells up and appears under your eyes. And then it happens. "A" moment transforms into that one tear, so big you can hold onto it no longer.

Will it be wiped away or will it fall? As your cheek reveals a single wet streak it gives evidence "A" moment has captured your body. When your heart takes over and fills up for just a moment you realize "A" moment is bigger than you and yet you don’t feel smaller, it has somehow made you more.

Inspired by Susan Boyle singing “I dreamed a dream” from Les Miserables
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Social Media and Increasing Relationship Connection

2010-01-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

When I was first introduced to social media I rejected it with more intensity than going to the doctor for the common cold. It was months of hearing the benefits of Facebook, LinkedIn, blogging, and even Twitter. The deciding factor for me occurred when I understood they were simply tools for connection. And just like every relationship, no matter how casual or intimate, connection is key.

Not only did these tools allow me to connect to others, they allowed others to connect to me in the methods they are most comfortable with. This reminded me of one of the biggest errors people make in relationships. We try and force our mate to connect to us in the ways WE desire. This is a clear sign that we have moved our goal from mutual connection to our partner connecting to us.

Learn the language and rules of their hobbies and passions. Sports, shopping, or a television show is irrelevant. It’s not just about being interested in their lives; it's giving them another avenue to talk with you about something they are comfortable with. Of course these conversation starters can naturally lead to deeper ones. What makes a stronger impact in relationships is always having something to talk about that your mate enjoys.

The next time you desire a stronger connection with your mate? The answer is associated with how many ways you allow your mate to connect to you!

Believe in the comeback

2009-10-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

“The people who lose the most are the ones who know in their hearts, they gave up first.”
-TUG-

History has shown us some of the greatest sports stories are about the big comeback. When it looks like there is no chance of winning and the fans start leaving, something happens. It starts when one person decides it’s not over and success is only a matter of time. Their battle cries are the same. “We can do it.” “I believe.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew if we just kept trying and gave ourselves a chance we could do it.” “We just never gave up.” They believe in the comeback.

Why is it so important in relationships and marriage in particular? Believing in the comeback does several things. For one, it instantly gives value to both people. It doesn’t rely on one person to save the team but the team to save itself. Everyone has a role to play because there are no spectators on the winning team. Two, it gives the team something worth fighting for together. A house divided falls on itself but a common enemy can make allies of those at odds. Sometimes all it takes to get on the right track of rebuilding a great relationship is being on the same side of a fight. Third and most powerful, believing in the comeback opens the world of possibilities and capitalizes on the laws of probabilities. It gives the couple every possible chance at something great. It builds on anything good to make things better. It creates momentum where there was none. Whether it is a lucky bounce or a fluke compliment, it only takes one step in the right direction to build a path and create a journey.

One of the saddest things I have seen is when people give up before the game or relationship is over. They are the first ones blame others and point out that failure is a possibility. They give up when things are good and are even ahead simply because something goes wrong. Their battle cries are the same. “We’ll never make it.” “Why bother trying, it’s pointless.” And afterwards they say the same things. “I knew this would happen.” “I should have never even tried in the first place.” They want a comeback they don’t even believe in.

Please share your favorite comeback in the comments and inspire others.

Who sets the curve when you grade your mate?

2009-08-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Its school time again! Students and teachers are getting ready for another year of lessons, homework, and of course TESTS! Do you remember that teacher who graded on a curve? There was always one student who set the curve so high you wished to be in another class! As a relationship coach, I see people grade their mates on a curve often. It can provide so much grace and allow for those dreaded “C” moments. I have also seen some curve setters sink a great number of relationships. The Terrible Three are ‘fairy tales’, ‘the best times’, and ‘the what could be/what should be’ twins. These 3 have set the bar so high people don’t just fail, they disappoint too.

‘Fairy Tales’ continue to give above average relationships the appearance of barely passing. Happily ever after becomes something that magically happens. This curve setter does not show what it takes to get to the ever after. The ending where the couple learns that fighting does not mean the marriage is over and overcoming conflict can strengthen a marriage.

‘The best times’ is a sneaky curve setter. Every time something great in the relationship occurs ‘the best times’ makes it the new standard. I have seen people move from wanting the best to requiring the best as the bare minimum. It’s hard enough competing with someone else’s past. Having to continuously out do your best has sent some of the strongest to detention and the dog house.

The ‘what could be/what should be’ twins simply make success impossible. Their parents ‘I want’ and ‘I deserve’ have taught them how to beat everyone. The twins keep us second guessing what works and to never be satisfied with what we have. I have seen these twins take down almost as many couples as gravity does rain. That rare moment when the stars align and perfection happens ‘what could be’ tells us better is possible. Before our sigh of discontentment is out, ‘what should be’ reminds us the new level of perfection is how it should be all the time.

The next time you fail your mate, check to see who set the curve.

Relationship Question: Listen don't fix!

2009-08-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

I get questions from clients and people about relationships all the time. Every month I will choose one to answer. This is one of my favorites.

“How do I get him to listen and not fix things?”

First, recognize fixing is often an act of kindness. It doesn't automatically mean there is a problem or you are not capable of taking care of it yourself. And yes, sometimes it's not done at the most appropriate time or in the best way. However, we don't typically try to fix things for people we don't care about. Remember apathy is the opposite of love; hate is just at the other end of the spectrum. So when he is trying to fix something, he may just be trying to help.

Most of the times before you start talking you have some idea whether you want to vent and talk through the situation or if you are open and looking for help to find a solution. Prepare him for success! A simple statement of “I just need to vent for a few minutes about work or home” tells him to put away his tool belt and just listen. Since he's not trying to identify the core problem and how to fix it he can actually hear some of the details you are sharing.

When you have an issue and you are open to suggestions try this opener, “Honey, I have something at work and I want your help finding a solution to it.” He many not only put on his tool belt, but his hero’s cape too. When one of my clients tried this with her husband he not only turned off the TV while watching sports, but he ran into the kitchen sat down and said, “What can I do?” She was so surprised that she actually forgot what her issue was.

You can spend a lifetime trying to get him to figure out what you want or you can take 30 seconds and tell him what you need.

A Look of Humanity

2009-07-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend at my favorite coffee shop about the plights of the homeless. In his spare time he volunteers with Hope Ministries, serving homeless men and women. I was initially drawn to his enthusiasm for what he was learning in the process. Not only regarding the truths about homeless individuals, but also about him. One story he shared was about a man who wasn't asking for money, sympathy, or wine. He just wanted people to look him in the eye occasionally. In its simplest form, he wanted to be seen as human.

It reminded me that we all desire to be seen as human on occasion. After all, our one connection to each other is our humanity. Before that man acquired the status of “homeless”, he may have been a husband or a manager. Ironically, he still may not have had people see him as human, only the role he played for others. I began to see a myriad of faces that people no longer see as human. How we look at the roles and status more than the humans behind them. Just like the woman who lost her humanity when she excelled at work and became someone’s boss. Just like the man who is seen only as a father or husband and no longer the person with a mission to empower the community.

The next time you see someone with distinguishable status, look them in the eyes and give them the gift of humanity. The rich man in a suit, the attractive woman, the person giving you coffee are all human first. Take a moment to just look in their eyes.

Who knows, you might just feel a little more human yourself.

Role Value Recession

2009-07-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Often what happens to one gender also happens to the other. On the surface it may look different, but at its core, a profound similarity exists. The current recession has lead to job losses and those losses are affecting men’s role value. The industries most affected are ones dominated by males in those positions so naturally job losses have affected more men. In a society dominated by role value and the man’s role is that of provider, his role value decreases. This often occurs even when a circumstance beyond his control limits his opportunity to financially provide.

Historically, perception of a woman’s role value has often been connected to her degree of beauty. The woman’s role value recession occurred when the size of what is beautiful went from a size 10 to a size 2.* Marilyn Monroe used to be an icon of beauty with curves still visible under a swirling white dress. As the media and magazines began endorsing thinner women, by sheer repetition of cover models at size 0, the perceived standard of beauty shifted to accommodate. When this happened, women experienced social pressure to achieve the new size of beauty. Since men were being shown and taught the same things about what beauty was supposed to look like their expectations increased as well.

By today’s standards, runway models seem to bare more ribs than cleavage, while men making $50K require a second income to support a family of four. Because of this, an opportunity exists to move beyond role and gender value and connect to our human and individual value. As a person the man’s value has not changed due to economic shifts any more than the woman’s individual value is based on a cultural change. It is up to both of them to find and express new ways to connect to their own value. They must also make themselves available for others to connect to their new found value separate from financial and beauty. After all, the connection between two individuals will always be recession proof.

*contrary to popular belief Marilyn Monroe’s size was not a 16 but closer to a modern day 10. http://traceurl.com/rdS?r=3753&l=29

Relationships: What are they all about?

2009-07-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

Let’s start with Romance…

It’s not about candy on Valentine’s Day or a limo ride to candlelight dinners. It’s not about date night every Friday or getting a sitter for the kids to see a movie before an expensive dinner. It’s not about jewelry, big diamonds, or planes flying over ballparks saying “will you marry me?” It’s not even about flowers on Wednesday for no apparent reason. And it’s definitely not about money, power, looks, or even sex.

It’s about connection and meaning.

Romance is a man saying “I love you more than your feelings”, meaning it, and her receiving it. Romance is a woman listening, genuinely listening to the batting statistics of a baseball player because she understands why it means so much to him and his son. Romance is about rubbing your hands over your mate’s side of the bed while they are brushing their teeth so they don’t have to experience the feeling of cold sheets in the middle of winter.

It’s about connection.

Romance is a man giving Ghirardelli chocolates because he remembers her favorite vacation with him was the trip they took to San Francisco while they were dating and that’s where they make the chocolate. Not because he’s’ done something wrong, but because he loves her; and she knows the difference. Romance is a wife giving her husband a Cross pen set on his first day of work because that’s what his late Dad and best friend always wrote with.

It’s about meaning.

Welcome to the TUG Coaching community where I will share all that I have to inspire people that healthy, loving relationships are possible and achievable.